The Weather Was Rainy the Day You Were Born

I remembered all those stories my mom would tell me on my birthday every year.

It was snowing the day you were born. Your brother was two weeks late and you were two weeks early. I always knew you were a girl- never had a doubt.

When I gave birth to my baby on April 10th, the entire experience felt like it was happening to someone else. Much like my pregnancy did. Going into labor and then holding my baby girl for the first time seemed like a dream. Hearing my husband tell me it was a girl, which I knew in my heart all along, felt like a sigh of relief. She was here and she was healthy. And my visions over the past ten years of a little girl gracing our life had been true. She was sent to us because we needed her. Just like our boys were sent to us because of how much we needed them.

I guess we all needed each other.

Spending two days in the hospital I felt like I was in a haze. We would look over at our baby girl sleeping in the portable bassinet and do a double take. We would look at each other and giggle. "Are we really here with a newborn baby?" Nearly 10 years of anguish will do that to you. It will make you second guess when beautiful things happen and wishes are granted.

The day she was born there was a torrential rain storm. The skies were gray and overcast. But inside our hospital room there was pink every where. There were gift bags full of girl clothes with polka dots and flowers and blankets and teddy bears. Grandma held her minutes after being born. And soon came Ooma and Papa with tears in their eyes as well. How we all waited for this baby girl.

Her brothers came to visit anxious to meet their baby sister. It was a beautiful site- them looking at her excited that she finally arrived. But later that night I began to think about all the details I didn't have about my boys first year of life. I don't know if it was cloudy or sunny the day they were born. I don't know how long their birth mothers were in labor. I don't know what happened the day she had to give them to the adoption agency- what she may have said to them as she said good bye. I am so sorry that I cannot give them these pieces of their past. I worry that they will feel bad that baby sister will know all the details of her life while they may search forever to find out.

I can only hope that this difference and the many others of how they came to be our babies will simply be accepted as their own story. I aspire to say and do all the right things for my boys when they have questions about their birth parents and adoption. In my heart I know that loving them to the fullest is the best thing I can do for them.

Little sister is a gift to us all. We have a baby in the house for the first time. Big brothers and mom and dad are smitten with our little girl.  The boys want to hold her and give her kisses. Wee says in his cute voice, "Baby cute, Mom."

What a joy it has been to see my three beautiful children together. I always wanted three children. And I haven't forgotten what it felt like wondering if I would even have one. It was worth the wait; no doubt about it.

35 Is the New 35

Today I turn 35. And I am happy about that.

It does feel weird to be 35. I think most people feel this way when they get to a certain age. What was the expectation when we were younger? That this is old, right?

I do not feel old. I just feel like me.

I feel fortunate to be another year older and wiser. Just coming out of a six day flu-induced-bed-coma, I have been reminded how lucky I am to have my health. A bad fever made it hurt to simply lay still, but I kept telling myself that I would be better soon.  I thought of those in chronic pain or with a terminal illness. They cannot say that. It is so easy to take our health for granted. But I vow to keep this blessing in the forefront. And not only my good health, but that of those I love.

A couple of days ago I was also reminded of the fragility of life. A baby girl named Grace, daughter of a well-known couple here in Rochester, was born with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH); she defied all the odds and lived after being born. She continued to fight through her condition and many surgeries and made it to her first birthday. And despite all her ailments and hardship she was a happy and beautiful baby girl. However, she passed away on Friday night at 16 months old. 

Little Grace touched so many lives and will continue to do so even though she is in Heaven. What a remarkable little girl. She has left a legacy in this community. The message is, do not give up hope.
Visit the Amazing Grace facebook page to learn more about her inspiring story. 

What's in store for this Monday birthday? Cheeseburgers, french fries and ice cream. I'm sure there will be hand-made cards and a couple of presents as well. Fortunate, indeed.

Is This Your First?

Since becoming pregnant I have had an internal struggle. I wanted to enjoy every moment of my long-awaited pregnancy, but I also did not want to ever forget everything I had been through to get there. Most importantly I wanted to be sensitive to all those who have struggled with infertility and who those are still in the trenches.

I have dealt with my fair share of unsurprising comments since revealing our news:

"That's what happens when you adopt."
"I knew it would happen eventually."
"I know so many people who got pregnant after adopting." (and they delve into names of people they know)

I understand that most people don't get it. These comments are untrue and quite insensitive. But people want to focus on the good news, not the bad. They don't want to rehash all that AJ and I went through and the days when we were telling people we didn't know if we would ever have kids.
These comments dismiss infertility and also suggest that adoption is a means to an end.

But, don't worry friends. When I hear these types of things, I make sure the commenter gets a dose of the difficult and sad truth about infertility.

Pregnancy does not happen for everyone- whether they adopt or not. The birth of a baby does not happen for everyone- despite getting pregnant multiple times. I make sure they hear from me that there are thousands and thousands of people who pregnancy will never happen for.

It doesn't always end up this way.

And every time I utter the words, my heart falls in my stomach because I feel the pain of infertility. I will never stop feeling the pain completely if not for myself but for everyone who has to go through it.

On the flip side, I have found one particular question from strangers quite difficult to answer.

There are several questions every pregnant woman hears repeatedly-

How are you feeling?
When is your due date?
Do you know if it's a boy or girl?

Is this your first?

I know what people mean. Do you have any other children? Are you a first-time mom?
But this is such a loaded question for me. Sometimes I pity the person that asks it- an innocent question posed to a stranger or acquaintance just to make conversation.  Uh, do you have a few hours?

I have found myself answering this question differently to different people, however.

"Is this your first?"

"No, my third."

Their reactions have prompted further conversation in some cases.

"Oh, so you've been down this road before! You're an expert on pregnancy."

(thinking to myself)  Well, no this is my first...

See? Confusing.

In some cases, I have proceeded to explain that I have two adopted boys and this pregnancy was not expected to happen. I am a mother but yes, this is my first pregnancy.

Several people have shown emotion when hearing my explanation- tears in their eyes. This has been particularly touching since they were complete strangers or casual acquaintances. It made me feel like they understood how special this baby is. These are the people who failed to come up with an insensitive comment. Thanks goodness for them!

But I have also had to put up with every one's expertise on making babies and how "that's usually the way." 

Once I started showing and it was obvious to the average person that I was expecting, it was nice to have the anonymity of being any old regular pregnant lady. But truthfully it has been difficult for me to sink into that role. When I am in public or I do get a casual question from someone, most of the time I slip by as though this baby happened the way I thought it would when I was 26 - easily. But I am different and I always will be. I have a life experience that has changed me and changed the way I look at pregnancy and parenting.

And even now when I look at myself, I am amazed. For everyone who has supported my husband and I, thank you. For everyone who has pulled for us during this close to 9 year saga, we are so grateful. And to everyone who has read my story and who visits this blog, I hope that you have found peace in your journey or will find peace with your path to parenthood.

I have 10 weeks left in this pregnancy. Baby is due to arrive in 68 days.

2103 Gala and The Commitment to Excellence Award

It is the time of year to promote the Parenthood for Me Annual Gala. This is our biggest fundraiser of the year, and all of the net proceeds go toward funding our grants. The success of this event helps to determine the number of grants and the amount we can award to each recipient.

Parenthood for Me Annual Gala

Saturday, March 9, 2013

6:30 pm

Inn on Broadway

Rochester, NY

To purchase tickets, email events@parenthoodform.org

I am very excited to announce the recipient of our Commitment to Excellence Award for 2013.
The CEA is awarded to an individual who is dedicated to supporting the Adoption, Loss & Infertility community.

PFM is awarding this year's award to Lori Holden - adoptive mother, author and educator on open adoption. We are also proud to have her as our Keynote Speaker. Open adoption is undoubtedly one of the most misunderstood and difficult parts of adoption for the general public to understand. Her work is extremely important and highly regarded in the adoption community.

Lori writes regularly at LavenderLuz.com about parenting and living mindfully. Her book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole, is available for pre-order on Amazon. She has written for Adoptive Families magazine, Parenting magazine and for BlogHer and MileHighMamas.com, a Denver Post site. On Twitter she's @LavLuz and you can also find her on Facebook. She practices her Both/And technique with dark chocolate and red wine (though not at the same time).

We invite you to attend the gala and hear Lori share her extensive knowledge and experience with open adoption. Here are some highlights of the helpful information that Lori will share in her keynote address at the gala.

What is the biggest concern adopting parents have about open adoption?
While researching and writing my book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption, I heard from people from all corners of adoption (adoptive parents, first parents, adult adoptees). The concern most often expressed by adopting parents is that they'll never be considered the "real" parent. Sometimes that subconscious fear is so powerful and pervasive that it prompts adoptive parents to want to put as much distance as possible between their newly-formed family and the spare parent out there who is just waiting to swoop in and take over (the latter part is largely a myth, by the way). This fear is at the root of many of the dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors  in adoption relationships. But though simple awareness of that fear, it can be examined and resolved in a mindful and functional way.

Parenting in Duality 
Such fear can lead parents to resort to Either/Or thinking, It's very dualistic, starkly black and white, pitting a winner against a loser. Either WE are the "real" parents or THEY are. Either WE can legitimately claim the child or THEY can. In the old days of closed adoption, the child could barely even wonder about her other parents without igniting feelings of betrayal in her own heart. Those feelings of torn loyalty can, figuratively, split the child in two.

Remember that Solomon tale? When two women came to his court claiming the same baby, the wise king knew how to tease out the "real" mother. His solution was to order a sword brought forth to split the baby in half, thereby guaranteeing that both claimants got her share. The "real" mother was the one to do whatever it took to keep the baby whole and well, even if it meant loss to her.

To help our children grow up whole, we must avoid splitting the baby with Either/Or thinking.

So what is the alternative? How do parents provide wholeness for the baby or child they adopted? How do they avoid splitting the baby?

It's simple: switch to Both/And thinking.

Moving toward Unity
Adoption creates a split between a child's biology and biography. Openness is an effective way to heal that split. That's the premise of the book I've written with my daughter's first mom. Your child's biology comes from one set of parents and her biography gets written by another set. The contributions from both sets are vital to her. All of her parents make her the person she is and who she will be. Both sets of parents have a claim on that child, and the child should have permission to claim both. Otherwise she feels split.

We are already familiar with and adept at Both/And thinking. We know that parents are capable of loving multiple children -- of course they are! Why not allow – encourage -- children to do the same with multiple parents? Does loving my son, Reed, take away anything from my daughter, Tessa? Of course not; that would be ridiculous. Likewise, enabling my children to love me for my contribution and their birth moms for their contributions takes away nothing from me. It only adds to them -- my children. Tessa and Reed get Both/And. And I'm not splitting my babies.

It's helpful to bring into the open any concerns that can lurk beneath the surface in the minds of adoptive parents. Even deeper than the fear that birth parents will reclaim the child is the fear that the adopting parents will never themselves feel legitimate due to a competing claim on the child. That's a fear that adopting parents can examine and resolve mindfully.

 Lori's trip to the annual gala in Rochester, NY is sponsored by Adoption STAR.

The annual gala is sponsored by CNY Fertility & Healing Arts.

 

Insert Name Here

December 21st marked the one year anniversary of the arrival home of our baby Wee. The picture above was taken on the drive home from NYC. If this wasn't special enough, we also learned that he will celebrate his adoption day January 3rd. We are so thrilled to finally have this day scheduled for many reasons. Officially he will be ours forever and when the judge signs his adoption decree, he will become a U.S. citizen. This is a monumental day in his life and our life as his parents.

Wee's adoption day also marks the end of our six year journey through adoption. There have been so many wonderful and beautiful moments since we decided to adopt. However, the process of adoption is exhausting and stressful. It will be nice to put the paperwork, form-filing, and extensive waiting behind us. Even though Wee was ours the second we saw his photo (on Valentine's Day 2010), it will be a relief to have all official documents signed, sealed and delivered.

So much has happened since Spring 2006 when we made the decision to pursue adoption. There have been a lot of ups and downs. Many moments of pure joy and sadness. Waiting months upon months for your child to come home is extremely difficult. Knowing he is thousands of miles away growing, learning and experiencing so many firsts without you can truly test your heart's ability to cope. It was also difficult to decide how and when to adopt a second time. Having to round up another $25,000 to make it happen was a challenge. We knew we would find a way, but nevertheless the price tag of adoption is daunting. Thank goodness we were able to make it happen a second time.

For as long as I live I will never forget what it was like to see and hold my babies for the first time- not in a hospital but an airport. After so many months of viewing pictures and dreaming of what they smelled like, sounded like, and felt like in my arms my breath never felt deeper or more at ease than the moment I embraced my two boys. We are lucky because both of our sons were completely at ease with us the moment we met. They were not scared or unhappy. It was as if we had always known each other and simply waited for our day to be together. Destiny.

As I anticipate the birth of our third child, I understand that the day we meet will be similar but different and special in its own way. It has taken me a long time to grasp that I am pregnant. Dreams don't always become reality. I dreamed so long of pregnancy my mind simply could not accept that it was really happening. Each day that passes, my due date approaching, new realizations come to light. Some are simple and some are profound.

While wrapping our presents and adhering the labels, it occurred to me that next year I will be writing five names under "from." Wow. Who will this person be and what will they be called? As I placed our stockings on the mantel, I thought, next year we will need to move them down and make room for one more. The stockings embroidered with "AJ" and "Erica" that once stood alone are now crowded out by those of three beautiful children. It is things like this that leave me awe-struck.

Each one of my children has made a dream come true. They have been my saviors from a deep and debilitating grief. My oldest, Min allowed me to become a mommy. His arrival relieved a pain that at one point seemed insurmountable. Baby Wee allowed me the chance to raise another baby and to see Min's own dream of big brotherhood come true. He completed our family in a way only he could with his funny personality and kind little heart. And my unborn baby has allowed me to experience pregnancy and understand all that it entails. I no longer have to wonder if it will ever happen for us. I no longer feel that sense of longing. And while I will not feel completely at ease until baby is born, no matter what happens, this little being has given me so many gifts already.

My children have all fulfilled dreams- long, hard-fought dreams. But what is most profound is that all of them fulfilled dreams I didn't know I had 9 years ago when we thought that parenthood was just a nine month jaunt away.

As we stand before the judge on January third another milestone is taking place. That very day I will have entered my third trimester; the day we meet our newborn baby grows ever closer. More fulfilled visions to come as we get to introduce oUr boys to their brother or sister. Three little faces, all ours. All of them miracles in their own right.