Friday, January 16, 2009

Mixed Emotions With A Side of Bittersweet

"We are born with nothing but the dreams we carry in our hearts."

It is hard to be a good friend to someone who is happy about their pending parenthood when you are experiecing IF. It must e especially dificult if they too have struggled with infertility. It is the job of a good friend to push aside any selfish feelings and think of how much your friends deserve to be happy- you just wish it was you.
Infertility makes the "good" news of someone else's pregnancy sting, and it is such a double edged sword.

In the past I have felt very happy for family and friends, but then the grief would come over me. My rational side knew that it was okay for me to be happy for the lucky couple and sad for myself. I wish it didn't have to be so hard.

Why should friends and family have to be sad to tell an infertile loved one about their joyous news? I guess everyone is in it together,the joy and the sadness. A muddled mix of emotion with a side of bittersweet.

In the beginning when things were really tough for me, hearing news of a pregnancy was gut wrenching. More so if it was someone I was close to or moderately close to. Now, thank goodness I have moved to a place where the pang of solace is like a catch and release. I don't think I could have lived the rest of my life with the sadness that I felt for those four years. I begged someone to help me forgo the heavy feeling that my life was on hold and my dreams of motherhood were crushed forever.

Acceptance of our situation turned the tide on my outlook of life. Moving forward with adoption, an idea we tossed around for two years, was scary, exciting, and a little sad all at the same time. We had given up on the idea of pregnancy but opened our hearts and minds to being parents to a wonderful baby somewhere in the world. He or she would come to us by fate- very similar to giving birth.

One can make the decision to be a parent, but the child that comes to them is out of their control. We are all lucky as parents for the children that come into our loves.

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