I still feel so many affects of IF on the social scale. The blogosphere is a great community to be a part of, but life outside the internet can be difficult when you can't get pregnant. I know the stats, 7.3 million Americans suffer from the disease of infertility (Resolve.org). But, in my own space in the world, I am the different one. In the past week I heard of three women who are not only pregnant but very pregnant, like due in two months pregnant. These conversations don't flow through my grapevine. But, it makes me feel a little stupid upon finding out.
I have been reading so many blogs lately. There seems to be thousands of infertility, adoption, miscarriage and loss blogs. I try to leave comments on most of them to introduce myself, my story, and our non profit. I follow a few blogs but regret that I do not have more time to read other blogs in depth. There are so many women who finally did have a successful pregnancy after all the heartache. It is nice to hear that ART works for people even after loss and failure. It makes me a little sad when I think about our situation with ART. We had such an awful experience for the first 2 1/2 years. I firmly believe that being under the wrong care gave us no real chance of conceiving. But, our bank account was empty and my body was broken. Adoption was the answer for us.
I had to go back to my OB (which is my second fertility specialist as well) for a regular check-up. Being in that office for the first time in over a year brought tears to my eyes. There were so many different types of emotions felt in that office: hope, relief, sadness, and grief. It was weird to only be there as a "regular" patient. I had a flash that I was a regular woman who could conceive a child on my own. (It's weird how often I still do that-- forget about my IF problems.) There were a couple of women with me in the waiting room, and I wondered what they were there for. Were they getting ready for an IUI or IVF? How did they feel? How long had they been trying? It did feel good to walk out of the office and get on the elevator knowing I wouldn't be going back. I would be picking up my son in a couple of hours.
IF has left me feeling open ended about my life. I know I want to adopt again- a girl this time. But, because no doctor has ever told me I cannot conceive, I am left with the what if's. Sometimes I like being in this position, feeling like the possibilities are endless. After all IF led me to my beautiful son. But, sometimes I wish I could plan out my family like other people can. I guess I need to embrace the fact that planning can be a little dull; our topsy turvey way of creating our family is more fun, right?