Monday, February 16, 2009

IF and My Life

I still feel so many affects of IF on the social scale. The blogosphere is a great community to be a part of, but life outside the internet can be difficult when you can't get pregnant. I know the stats, 7.3 million Americans suffer from the disease of infertility (Resolve.org). But, in my own space in the world, I am the different one. In the past week I heard of three women who are not only pregnant but very pregnant, like due in two months pregnant. These conversations don't flow through my grapevine. But, it makes me feel a little stupid upon finding out.

I have been reading so many blogs lately. There seems to be thousands of infertility, adoption, miscarriage and loss blogs. I try to leave comments on most of them to introduce myself, my story, and our non profit. I follow a few blogs but regret that I do not have more time to read other blogs in depth. There are so many women who finally did have a successful pregnancy after all the heartache. It is nice to hear that ART works for people even after loss and failure. It makes me a little sad when I think about our situation with ART. We had such an awful experience for the first 2 1/2 years. I firmly believe that being under the wrong care gave us no real chance of conceiving. But, our bank account was empty and my body was broken. Adoption was the answer for us.

I had to go back to my OB (which is my second fertility specialist as well) for a regular check-up. Being in that office for the first time in over a year brought tears to my eyes. There were so many different types of emotions felt in that office: hope, relief, sadness, and grief. It was weird to only be there as a "regular" patient. I had a flash that I was a regular woman who could conceive a child on my own. (It's weird how often I still do that-- forget about my IF problems.) There were a couple of women with me in the waiting room, and I wondered what they were there for. Were they getting ready for an IUI or IVF? How did they feel? How long had they been trying? It did feel good to walk out of the office and get on the elevator knowing I wouldn't be going back. I would be picking up my son in a couple of hours.

IF has left me feeling open ended about my life. I know I want to adopt again- a girl this time. But, because no doctor has ever told me I cannot conceive, I am left with the what if's. Sometimes I like being in this position, feeling like the possibilities are endless. After all IF led me to my beautiful son. But, sometimes I wish I could plan out my family like other people can. I guess I need to embrace the fact that planning can be a little dull; our topsy turvey way of creating our family is more fun, right?

5 comments:

Kat470 said...

This post resonated with me on many levels, as I'm currently feeling many of the same emotions you expressed. IF is such a difficult battle. . .
www.iwannabeamommy.wordpress.com

Lisa said...

Ah, the "what ifs." So dangerous, so evil. I live with all the "what ifs" too. Especially now, having just completed my 2nd (and likely last) IVF which ended in a chemical pregnancy (which was the only time in my life I could have tested and gotten a positive on an HPT). You nailed my feelings on the head.

I just emailed you through your website. Maybe we can chat sometime in person.
Lisa

Kim & Dave said...

Hey! I can so relate-although ours was secondary infertility. Now, after adopting twice in just over two years, life is too busy to even think much about it, but sometimes the pain overtakes me in the most unexpected ways.

I wrote about it here: http://dillondaysdoings.blogspot.com/2008/08/grief-is-weird.html

I have writen about it at other times, too, but that was the most hard hitting recently.

imee said...

Life is precious.I feel so relaxed as I've read this post...i can relate. Keep on sharing your good deeds by visiting this site A Global Tribe

Kelly D said...

I was the outlier with my friends too. One of the few who had problems with infertility. A close friend of mine had secondary infertility but never considered herself "infertile".

I can relate to the "what-if" I still do it even though I know it's practically impossible, each month I wonder, "what-if"...

P.S. yes, please feel free to link or post from my blog anytime! thanks for your comments too.

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