Sunday, April 19, 2009

Desire and Hope

When AJ and I decided to adopt it was February of 2007. I found out that we could still make it into the March homestudy class. I was ready. I didn't want to wait until the June class. No more waiting. We had made a decision, and I wanted to get things rolling. My husband doesn't move as fast so I knew it would take a little effort to have him on board to take the class right away. The next day we found out that the young couple that lived across the street from us, who happen to be friends with our cousin, were adopting a baby girl from Guatemala. I was thrilled. All the time we had been suffering through infertility they were right across the street and could empathize with our situation. I had a renewed sense of hope and excitement. We decided to do the March class.

On St. Patty's we saw the couple at a party. I was fascinated and wanted to ask a million questions about their adoption, how they chose an agency and country, how long it had taken, what they were feeling. They had just gotten back from Guatemala for a visit with their daughter, and they were then waiting for her arrival home. I was envious. They were so close to getting their daughter, and we had a very long way to go and many important decisions to make before we would have our child.

When I saw balloons outside their house signaling their daughter had arrived home, I wondered what it must feel like to have her in their home. How was she adjusting? How were they adjusting? What would it be like for us?

It was about ten months later that our son came home. It had been a long wait since making the decision to adopt. I know that other people wait for years, and I cannot comprehend waiting that long to adopt especially after infertility. Our total wait time was 16 months. When Luv Bug came home we were beaming parents and getting ready to move to a new house. As it turns out so were the couple. Within months of each other we had both moved out of the neighborhood.

Last night we went to our cousin's 30th bday and there they were- pregnant-very, very pregnant. My jaw dropped and my heart sank. Tears stung my eyes, and I hated feeling that way. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. But, they were the couple that I thought were going to be the same as us, adoptive parents. I knew they had plans of adopting again and so do we. I was crushed that they had a miracle baby.

After the shock wore off I really wanted to congratulate them, especially the woman. We ended up talking about our kids and her pregnancy and how it felt to learn of the pregnancy. It really is an amazing story because their chances of conceiving were like 2% (as told to me by the woman). She mentioned that she stopped thinking about pregnancy when her daughter arrived. They never did infertility treatments due to her diagnosis, and when they were settled in as a family, pregnancy wasn't an issue. She simply wasn't thinking about it, and pregnancy happened.

She looked so beautiful and again I felt envious. Now she will have it all. And, they deserve it. And, I am truly happy that they get their chance to build their family. I just couldn't help but think of myself. Last night when I tried to fall asleep I just could not believe that they were pregnant and how amazing it is that things have worked out for them. They have a beautiful daughter through adoption and they will be having a boy very soon.

Then the thought occurred to me that I once looked to this woman who I hardly know at all for inspiration. I was in awe of her excitement to adopt and was given new hope upon finding out their circumstances. She has now given me new hope that pregnancy will come my way at some point. Problem is that I still think about pregnancy all the time. We are not doing anything about it, but I am always thinking and hoping to get pregnant someday even if we adopt again. I don't know what our actual odds are of becoming pregnant on our own. It is probably higher than 2% but maybe not. We have a lot of problems! We are very broken, the both of us.

I have to practice what I preach even though it is hard for me today. I stopped questioning my parenthood path when we found out who our son was going to be. I wouldn't change our IF experience because we have him. It is out of my control, and I will continue to wonder if one day my desire and hope for pregnancy will come true.

8 comments:

Yaya said...

Erica,
I'm sorry you had an unexpected wave of emotion at that party. I'm all to familiar with that feeling you experienced. Shock, disbelief, sad yet happy for them at the same time.

Lately I've been working with our Infertility counselor about accepting that perhaps a bio baby just isn't in the cards for me. And I have to learn that that's ok. We will still be parents. But that doesn't mean that longing isn't still there. I don't know when, or if, that longing will ever go away.

Best When Used By said...

Your feelings were totally legitimate. They're YOUR feelings, and you are entitled to them. You had in your mind that this woman was like you, that your families were alike....and to see that she got something you didn't, was not a happy surprise. It's that stab of loss all over again.

I had a good friend who adamantly did NOT want children. I settled in my mind that I would have children WAY before she ever would.

One year at a Christmas party everyone remarked about her recent oversized, frumpy clothing. It was then that she revealed she was 4 months pregnant, and she pulled out and passed around her sonogram.

I wanted to cry. But I had to sit there and look at her sonogram and smile and congratulate her. My expectation was dust.

Pain of the unexpected can be sharpest of all.

CJ said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to that sharp stabbing of shock and longing you feel when you are taken off guard by someone else's pregnancy. I hope you do get that big surprise one day.

'Murgdan' said...

Wow. I would have felt the same way. I can't imagine seeing the 'adoption inspiration' family pregnant. I felt that way just reading it.

Barefoot said...

I can't even imagine how strange and difficult that encounter must have been. Thinking of you.

Kat470 said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down. It's all so hard, and what I've learned from reading blogs is that even when your baby comes through adoption, there are still many feelings to deal with regarding infertility. I hope you get the outcome that you desire. :-D

shelley said...

Hi there,
I can appreciate the "soccer punch" that you have written about... being the mother of a special needs child i often feel that way when i see a family of 2 normal children... that was "supposed" to be my life... thanks for sharing this story. be proud of your lil one you do have he sounds like a sweet boy!
hugs,
shelley

Nicole said...

What a great post...and you handled that party wonderfully. We find ourselves adopting but with a chance a future 'miracle' pregnancy as well and it is something I am learning to balance.

What a great website, too!

Happy ICLW!

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