Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Another $12 Out The Window

There would be a money trail the length of a 5K run. Five years of buying pregnancies tests has definitely put a dent in my wallet and my heart. I have been trying to/thinking about/hoping/wishing/dreaming of getting pregnant for five years. I have mentioned that we stopped doing ART after our third failed IVF. The bank account was dry, and we had morphed into different people through the roller coaster of emotions. With infertility it seems like if something can go wrong, it will. Whether it is over stimulation and the cancelling of a cycle, cysts, OOHS, or the BFN, I found that the amount of roadblocks is endless. Very little went smoothly for us. After the ectopic pregnancy we looked at the only positive side, that I actually got pregnant. Subsequently, the next round brought a BFN; it all became way too much.

That being said, I received some news last week that offered a small amount of hope for our chances of natural conception. When I say small I am purposely minimizing it because I am trying immensely hard to not let this news overtake my thoughts. As a woman with PCOS ovulation is my biggest hurtle (I have others). Through a blood test ordered by my RE we discovered that I am ovulating. I may skip a month or two but somehow the eggs are dropping. As many of you know when women become older who have PCOS, in order to go into menopause their body begins to kick in and ovulation occurs regularly. I was told that this begins around age 35, usually older. I am 31. You understand my skepticism.

At any rate we still have MFI and a longer than normal cyle. It is very hard to predict when I may be fertile. After all of the money I have spent on HPT, I refuse to indulge the makers of OPK. We will leave it up to dumb luck and a fighting chance. My husband plays the lottery at least once a week. I have repeatedly said, I hope we have a better chance of getting pregnant than winning the lottery. That would make me feel a little better.

The goal of pregnancy is still a part of my life because I do have a chance. However small it may be it rests in my being. The biological connection is no longer the driving force. For me it is about family building and giving Luv Bug a sibling. I want to see two smiling faces in the morning. I want Luv Bug to be a big brother because I know he would be the best. Adoption has allowed the sting of the BFN to act like a prick of the skin. Very quick and relatively painless. The BFN still leaves me with the hope that lies within. I won't let a negative pregnancy test take that away from me because I will have another little baby whether it is through adoption or pregnancy. I have options and I am lucky for that.

14 comments:

Yaya said...

I've been wondering if adoption will take away that longing for a bio-baby. Well, I guess it takes away some of the pain, but wanting another child is a natural path in life.

It's true, Infertility is one let-down after another. Every BFN, failed cycle, too-small of follicles, etc are heartbreaking. It's constant. And the money. Oy, the money. We've spent so much and have nothing to show for it. People are always like, 'yeah, but you guys don't have kids, you can travel and do fun stuff!' and we're like 'yeah, but we spend all our money trying to have kids so no, we can't do anything'.

Kristin said...

Good luck with your family building...whether biologically or through adoption. I think you are maintaining an amazingly balanced attitude about this new hope.

Best When Used By said...

Your post was beautiful, honest and sorrowful. I'm sorry there have been so many roadblocks and disappointments.

Like you, my dream is to love, nurture and raise a child who calls me mommy. Whether or not the child is product of my own DNA.

michelle said...

Good Luck on your journey....this is such a tough one....your post was very honest and moving!

you are in my prayers...
m:)

theworms said...

IF is awful and it seems that it can all go wrong in the blink of an eye.

GL with the O and the me.ga millions, we play too, still haven't hit.

ICLW

Coming2Terms said...

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could get refunds for tests that didn't give us the answer we were hoping for? We'd all be much flusher with cash, that's for certain.

Here's to number #2 for you...

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

What a wonderful post! Best wishes as you plan to expand your family.

Please check out my blog when you get the chance. I've nominated you for a blogging award. :)

AiM said...

Good luck in both paths - which ever comes for you. Nice to know there are options. :)

Sunny said...

Ugh, yes the $12 spent on a negative HPT is just the tip of why IF is so miserable. This was a lovely post, and I hope you have a happy surprise very soon.

Anonymous said...

ever hear of Napro technology? It has a very high success rate of treating anovulatory infertility naturally. you should give it a shot.

Lavender Luz said...

Fingers crossed for you that all the stars align and that you get your money's worth (and 2 pink lines) from those sticks.

runamokamok said...

I've been trying to convice Husband to consider adoption just because I desperately want my children. Its hard month after month to be dissapointed. I believe that adding a child will make these negatives a little easier.
Husband isn't ready to adopt yet though, he's fighting for his own biological child.
*ICLW*

In Due Time said...

I get my HPT's at the dollar tree. Can't beat a buck for disappointment. lol Save the other $$ for happy hour. ((Hugs))

I have PCOS too.

I hope one way or another you reach your family dreams. I know it's tough.

Emmy said...

I got a bunch of HPTs online before I knew we'd never get pregnant on our own.

I would love to donate some note cards. I don't currently have any made though. The last three weeks of the school year are really busy for me, but I will try to get a set of 8 done as fast as I can! Any theme you'd like them to be? (flowers, beach, nature, sunsets) They can all be of one image, or all different, or split any which way. It doesn't matter to me! You can email me at emmymay733 at gmail

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