There would be a money trail the length of a 5K run. Five years of buying pregnancies tests has definitely put a dent in my wallet and my heart. I have been trying to/thinking about/hoping/wishing/dreaming of getting pregnant for five years. I have mentioned that we stopped doing ART after our third failed IVF. The bank account was dry, and we had morphed into different people through the roller coaster of emotions. With infertility it seems like if something can go wrong, it will. Whether it is over stimulation and the cancelling of a cycle, cysts, OOHS, or the BFN, I found that the amount of roadblocks is endless. Very little went smoothly for us. After the ectopic pregnancy we looked at the only positive side, that I actually got pregnant. Subsequently, the next round brought a BFN; it all became way too much.
That being said, I received some news last week that offered a small amount of hope for our chances of natural conception. When I say small I am purposely minimizing it because I am trying immensely hard to not let this news overtake my thoughts. As a woman with PCOS ovulation is my biggest hurtle (I have others). Through a blood test ordered by my RE we discovered that I am ovulating. I may skip a month or two but somehow the eggs are dropping. As many of you know when women become older who have PCOS, in order to go into menopause their body begins to kick in and ovulation occurs regularly. I was told that this begins around age 35, usually older. I am 31. You understand my skepticism.
At any rate we still have MFI and a longer than normal cyle. It is very hard to predict when I may be fertile. After all of the money I have spent on HPT, I refuse to indulge the makers of OPK. We will leave it up to dumb luck and a fighting chance. My husband plays the lottery at least once a week. I have repeatedly said, I hope we have a better chance of getting pregnant than winning the lottery. That would make me feel a little better.
The goal of pregnancy is still a part of my life because I do have a chance. However small it may be it rests in my being. The biological connection is no longer the driving force. For me it is about family building and giving Luv Bug a sibling. I want to see two smiling faces in the morning. I want Luv Bug to be a big brother because I know he would be the best. Adoption has allowed the sting of the BFN to act like a prick of the skin. Very quick and relatively painless. The BFN still leaves me with the hope that lies within. I won't let a negative pregnancy test take that away from me because I will have another little baby whether it is through adoption or pregnancy. I have options and I am lucky for that.