Sunday, May 17, 2009

A Look Back

I am a little late posting this but I wanted to reflect back on where I was a year ago. I wrote this when Luv Bug was two months late in coming home. At that point it was very hard dealing with more waiting. He was growing and everyday we were missing more milestones. We were lucky to have many updates and pictures to see his progress but eventually that became a little tortuous because he wasn't in our arms.
What Am I Here For Anyway?

My heart is full and heavy at the same time.I have created a new life with a new life beside me- he just isn't here yet.Inside I am teaching the ABC's and going for walks in the stroller.The baby food in my cupboard is collecting dust along with the plastic sea animal dishes.His clothes hang on turtle hangers in his closet and they smell like detergent.His socks lay in a drawer stark white never having had a chance to get dirty.As spring has sprung I open his window to relieve the store-like smell that fills his room. Every item in there is too new, sitting unused.There are no scuff marks or stains. Please bring me the stinky smells and the dirty clothes and the banged up walls.

His stuffed animals have begged me to be carried by their arms around the house. The rocker yearns to be in use-not to sitting in the corner all alone, listening to lullabies, it's semi-circle legs not being exercised. Everything screams at me to be able to do their job. The Little People on the farm are bored and want to use the tractor and slide to down the slide.The blankets are sick of hanging on his crib, their fluffiness going unused. Everyone feels that their roles are not being fulfilled, including mine. The books are feeling neglected that their bright and shiny pages are not seeing the light of day.

Motherhood is laying dormant and I know how they feel. They, like me were put on this world to fulfill a job and we cannot do that without him here. His arrival will bring a carnival of life to all those people and objects that patiently wait to be hugged and played with and used so they can live up to their given expectation- to be held, loved, and used as stepping stones to build a new life.


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Kristin said...

I am so glad everything is happily getting scuffed and dirtied and used now.

Anonymous said...

Hi there, I just wanted to say thank you for stopping by my's weird that you did and I see your blog. I am in a battle of my own with the "infertility"....thanks for stopping by!

Jenjen © GottaLoveMom said...

Such a heartfelt post...

Leila said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog and thank you for saying that about my name. If you are interested its pronounced Lee-lah :)

Your blog is beautiful and what you have set up here is amazing. I also am an administrator of a forum and will be passing this on to many of my friends dealing with their own infertility.

I also voted you in the Blogger Choice Awards. Best of luck!



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