For many of the major events in my life such as my high school graduation party and college graduation day and party the weather resulted in pouring down rain. Waking up on those special days and seeing the overcast sky and smell of moisture in the air, I remember thinking, maybe it will clear up. Unfortunately we carried on with the events dodging the rain and making the most of the day.
We have quite a few get togethers. We threw an outdoor party at our new house last summer, and it rained all day. There were waves of sprinkles breaking into pouring rain and then cycling back again. It sucked. We made the most of it, but the food got ruined, everyone was wet, and the kids couldn't play outside in our new yard.
This past weekend we went to our cottage. Friday was beautiful but Saturday and Sunday it was overcast, cold and rainy all day. When I woke up Saturday the sky was gray but it looked like the sun was going to break through. We kept saying it'll probably clear up so we can go outside and have fun. The feeling of dread when seeing the overcast skies coupled with the glimmer of sunlight peeking through the clouds ignites the hope that the weather will clear and the sun will shine.
I have had that feeling of disappointment for many picnics, parties and weddings when waking up in the morning. For one of my best friend's weddings it rained all day, and we could only hope it would clear for the outdoor pictures. I felt so bad for her and we kept glancing up at the sky when the rain would halt. Amazingly the weather did break for the pictures but resumed for the rest of the evening.
Going through ART my skies were pretty much always overcast. Gearing up for each procedure and during the two week wait I would try so hard to see those rays of sun pushing their way through. The power of positive thinking and all that crap. The first IUI was exciting and the weather looked pretty good. But, after that failed and the proceeding 5 others failed, my weather report was quite glum. It was around 95% chance of precipitation.
The first IVF was also exciting; we upped the odds. This was going to work. But, the entire time I sat cautiously optimistic trying to feel positive and envision the BFP. That IVF resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. Any miscarriage or terminated pregnancy is a long drawn out reminder of what you have lost. It took two months for my HCG level to get below 10. It was a long, dreary summer.
The pursuit of parenthood doesn't halt when faced with an obstacle(sssss). If that were the case many of us infertiles would be quitting long before our minds and bodies are ready.With infertility we are basically party planning with the idea that we have no control over the weather, and we will need to rent a big tent or serve indoors. The event was scheduled for a reason and it cannot be rescheduled, so to speak. For the disappointment and loss when things fall apart is far greater than facing the idea that party will never happen at all. The party goes on rain or shine.