This posts comes from the inspiring "Greener Grass: Greener Pastures" at Conceive This!
I have no problem admitting I played the pity card with myself because we have both male and female factor IF. I cannot believe I actually longed for someone elses situation over mine, but I did. One of the biggest lessons I have learned after digging myself out of my own black hole is that anyone experiencing infertility is in pain, lots of pain.
I understood secondary infertility and how hurtful it must be to not provide a sibling or have the big family you once planned on. In fact, I sometimes thought that secondary infertility must suck worse. Talk about being blindsided. Those who got pregnant within 3 months never could have imagined it would take 4-5 years to have a second. How frustrating and unbelievable that must be.
Even though I thought I understood secondary infertility, I didn't really. I believe after talking with several more people I really see it for what it is. People feel guilty for wanting another child when they have a beautiful child(ren) to take care of and love. If they open up to others about their situation most people shame them into trying so hard for a second or dismiss it completely because they got pregnant with no problem once. That automatically means there isn't a problem, right?
I see a difference between those who have tried for a long time without a successful pregnancy and those who were able to be pregnant and give birth and have started a family. I can see why the first situation looks more painful on the surface, but I also see that no one's pain should be categorized or dismissed. It all sucks.
It has been mentioned to me that I should just be thankful to have Luv Bug and stop worrying so much about another child, getting pregnant, or adopting again. I guess that puts me in the secondary infertility category, even though I am an adoptive parent. I was really hurt and offended when it was suggested that the pain I may still feel about not getting pregnant or wanting more children is not justified. Luv Bug is amazing. I cherish him more than anything in my entire life- he is my life. But, I also feel that I am entitled to feel the pain when I feel the pain.
As stated- it all sucks. When you have to go through years of tribulations and spend tons of money to become parents or expand your family, there is no hierarchy of pain. Each person's situation is their own; it is all hurtful, confusing, frustrating and life altering.
Thanks, Murgdan for writing such a great post.
Also, check out this Quotable Quotidian about "Navigating the Land of IF." Mel states it perfectly.