Thursday, July 2, 2009

A Little Magic

I am continually reminded that life is what you make of it. Things cannot always be planned, and what comes out of the twists and turns is often more rewarding. Trying to get pregnant and become a mother went from what seemed like a fairly simple plan to the most challenging situation of my life. So much was lost and yet when we let go of some of our dreams, so much was gained.

I know adoption is not for everyone. I completely understand the vital need to produce a child, to give birth, to see your genetics play out. When we had reached our limit of pain and disappointment, we turned to adoption because we knew it would make us parents. The decision and the entire process until we found our way was unequivocally scary and even sad. It was hard having to take a class to be qualified as parents under the eyes of New York State Law. It was hard to admit to people that we did not expect a pregnancy to ever happen. Uttering those words made me feel like my head was underwater. The sound was muffled and would bounce back at me making my ears ring-- no expectations of a pregnancy...

But, then life turned around for us. I began to embrace my path to mommyhood. No, my son was not growing in my belly, no he would not look like my husband and I, but he was meant to be ours. Somehow our worlds collided. Something magical happened to bring this amazing little boy into our lives. What a priviledge to call him son and watch him grow to be a man.

One of the things that was hardest to face was never knowing what our biological child would look like. My niece looks a lot like me. She saw a picture of me once when I was 5 and said it was her. To have our genetics linked together was thrilling and sad for me all at the same time. You would think it would have dawned on me much earlier in the game, but all of a sudden the image I had created of my future children popped in the forefront of my brain and knocked me on my ass. The image contained features of myself and my husband that I liked the best. I always wished for a my little one to have my curly hair (AJ has wavy hair as well). We always joked that our children would be very small because I am 5'3 and he is (not quite) 5'6. We are short people. Things about us that we naturally assumed would be passed on in our offspring proved to be a very difficult hurtle to overcome. We had to adjust to a new image of our family. Not better or worse, just different.

Well, again a little magic has come into my life. When Luv Bug came home he had hardly any hair. Over the past year it started coming in, and when he was about 18 months, I noticed it had a wave to it. Now he has full blown curly hair. It is beautiful. Everyone remarks on his cute curls. Part of it is because I don't think many Koreans have curly hair. Most Asians I have seen or known have thick, straight hair. I do not know where Luv Bug's curls come from but his hair is a constant reminder to me that we never fully understand where life is taking us. The reasons for events reveal themselves slowly over time.

I remind myself to be patient and grateful whenever I am upset about something in my life. I just look at Luv Bug and smile on the inside and out.

12 comments:

Yaya said...

What a beautiful post, as always.

Yes, Josh and I continue to struggle and grieve over the thought of never having that bio-baby/mini-us. It is a big thing to let go of. And his niece looks a lot like him, so I know it is harder for him to come to terms with than for me because of that reminder.

Beautiful Mess said...

Awww how sweet! It's just another sign that Love Bug was MEANT for you and AJ. I love it!
*HUGS*

Mary said...

You can feel the love you have for your son in your posts. It is a beautiful thing!

Clare said...

I love this post. Your blog has opened me up much more to adoption than I could have imagined. Luv bug and your story is such a beautiful one. You were destined for each other.

Kristin said...

What an awesome post. I'm so glad you opened yourself to adoption and were able to connect with LuvBug.

Michelle said...

This is so beautiful. am so happy that you found your path to motherhood. Even though it was different then others it still just as exciting and beautiful!

Amber said...

so neat to see him have curls what a beautiful post:)

Infertility is Hard said...

I am at my limit of the hurt and disappointment of not getting pregnant, and my husband and I have started the process towards adoption. It's amazing how making one decision like that can change everything. I went from sad and bitter, to a very happy person. Adoption just FEELS right.

This post was so beautifully written, and I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to link to it in my blog.

Lisa said...

Oh gosh, I didn't expect that at the end...and that's one of greatest surprise gifts of creating your family through adoption; our babies are like the sweetest surprise packages tucked under the tree on Christmas morning just waiting to be opened and discovered for their own perfect magic!!

I always like to think of what I know they won't have received from us genetically.....they may both be gifted in Math ( not us!) or escape the heart troubles that plague the oldest members of my extended family.....maybe one or both will be graceful dancers (me? not so much! lol ) or be able to carry a perfect tune. The sky is the limit!!
LuvBug has curls....a reminder that something bigger than fate or luck brings family together.

Lovely post......

Lisa

Stacey said...

Great, great post. You really touched on a lot of things that I feel inside, things that I grieve over and don't really tell other people. It is hard to imagine never having a biological child. My family is one that loves to point out a child's family resemblances from their hair down to their toes.

But thank you for addressing this in such an honest and beautiful way. Your love for your son is so touching. This post will stick with me.

caitsmom said...

This was beautiful and gives me hope. Thank you. Peace.

Jeanne said...

Erica,

I think it is really great that you wrote about your feelings regarding not having a bio-baby who automatically looks like you and your husband. So many people I know struggle with infertility and a certain number of them decide at some point to adopt. I think you voiced what many people feel but don't necessarily talk about publicly. I think it is wonderful to share these feelings publicly because it helps others who are going through similar experiences. It's so awesome that Luv Bug is right exactly where he belongs! Great post.

Jeanne

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