I am continually reminded that life is what you make of it. Things cannot always be planned, and what comes out of the twists and turns is often more rewarding. Trying to get pregnant and become a mother went from what seemed like a fairly simple plan to the most challenging situation of my life. So much was lost and yet when we let go of some of our dreams, so much was gained.
I know adoption is not for everyone. I completely understand the vital need to produce a child, to give birth, to see your genetics play out. When we had reached our limit of pain and disappointment, we turned to adoption because we knew it would make us parents. The decision and the entire process until we found our way was unequivocally scary and even sad. It was hard having to take a class to be qualified as parents under the eyes of New York State Law. It was hard to admit to people that we did not expect a pregnancy to ever happen. Uttering those words made me feel like my head was underwater. The sound was muffled and would bounce back at me making my ears ring-- no expectations of a pregnancy...
But, then life turned around for us. I began to embrace my path to mommyhood. No, my son was not growing in my belly, no he would not look like my husband and I, but he was meant to be ours. Somehow our worlds collided. Something magical happened to bring this amazing little boy into our lives. What a priviledge to call him son and watch him grow to be a man.
One of the things that was hardest to face was never knowing what our biological child would look like. My niece looks a lot like me. She saw a picture of me once when I was 5 and said it was her. To have our genetics linked together was thrilling and sad for me all at the same time. You would think it would have dawned on me much earlier in the game, but all of a sudden the image I had created of my future children popped in the forefront of my brain and knocked me on my ass. The image contained features of myself and my husband that I liked the best. I always wished for a my little one to have my curly hair (AJ has wavy hair as well). We always joked that our children would be very small because I am 5'3 and he is (not quite) 5'6. We are short people. Things about us that we naturally assumed would be passed on in our offspring proved to be a very difficult hurtle to overcome. We had to adjust to a new image of our family. Not better or worse, just different.
Well, again a little magic has come into my life. When Luv Bug came home he had hardly any hair. Over the past year it started coming in, and when he was about 18 months, I noticed it had a wave to it. Now he has full blown curly hair. It is beautiful. Everyone remarks on his cute curls. Part of it is because I don't think many Koreans have curly hair. Most Asians I have seen or known have thick, straight hair. I do not know where Luv Bug's curls come from but his hair is a constant reminder to me that we never fully understand where life is taking us. The reasons for events reveal themselves slowly over time.
I remind myself to be patient and grateful whenever I am upset about something in my life. I just look at Luv Bug and smile on the inside and out.