Monday, July 27, 2009

No Disclaimer

I know that most people who read my blog know all about Luv Bug. I have never used the disclaimer that a post will be about him-- "don't continue if you cannot read about children right now."

Maybe I should. Sometimes I feel like because I adopted and did not conceive a child that my blog is different. People still waiting to be parents may not want to hear about Luv Bug moments.

I feel stuck in the middle of infertility. I am a success story in many aspects because I am now a parent, but then again I never made it out of the IF clinic. My GYN is my RE so we talk a lot about my body and what may be going on. After reading about many of my fellow bloggers having successful procedures (well wishes to you all) I have seriously thought about scraping up the money to go back to the roller coaster. I asked Dr. R if we should ever think about doing IVF again. If $10K fell out of the sky, are we good candidates? The answer was yes. We only did one IVF cycle with her. It was a simple negative and because we have MFI there were no embryos left over. She was our new doctor, and we had run out of money and spirit to continue with ART. I told DH what Dr. R said. We easily decided that we will not do IVF again. Our perspective of ART has changed since adopting. It is not worth the money, simply put. $10,000 for maybe 3 good embryos if we are lucky. Then we have the obstacle of my antibodies and endo. And, we may never know the quality of my eggs. Too many potential problems. Too much false hope poured into one pot. Too much money after all we already spent to have our child.

I mentioned in a previous post that I seem to be ovulating which can happen later in life when one has PCOS. My period came on day 29 last month. That was a first for me. Usually it is day 35. I was feeling pretty good this month thinking that we may be able to predict ovulation. If anything I hoped to get AF on day 28-30 again to feel better about my body. Alas it is not to be. I am at day 33. Of coarse my mind is wandering into la-la prego land about the possibility even though I got a BFN on a HPT. I know the bitch will show up in two days. She kicks me when I'm down. However, I do hope she comes as expected because if AF doesn't come, then I did not ovulate and that is even worse.

It is so hard being stuck in the middle. No ART but no diminished hope of conceiving naturally. I know it is not a crazy concept, but it hurts thinking that all of this effort and hope will still leave me barren at 40. I've been told by many that by that time (or even earlier) I won't care anymore. By that time I will be going on birth control. I will have come to terms with my infertility. I know this in my heart, but for now my mind will not waiver from the consistent thoughts of having it all, Luv Bug and a pregnancy.

That's what this has become for me. I want it all. I am so selfish that I want my baby and to give birth too. I want my chance to be the glowing pregnant woman with DH and Luv Bug by my side. I want to buy NB clothes and have ultrasound pictures to email out to the world. I want the BFP so I can hold onto the secret with DH until I am bursting and we have to tell everyone. Yes, I want it all.

Luv Bug makes me laugh and smile a thousand times a day. I wish you could see his face or see a video of him because he truly is an amazing child. And, he is all ours. When he first came home and we were trying to acclimate him to the time zone, I would lay on blankets with him on the floor in his room at night. The fan would oscillate while he sucked on his bottle. He always reached for my hand as I lay there. Talk about a heart melting. The affection he offered to us, virtually complete strangers, was breathe taking. Motherhood was mine and it was so natural for me and him.

Last night Luv Bug was still awake in his crib after almost two hours. He wasn't crying but was talking every so often or saying his ABC's. I finally went in there and asked him if he wanted me to lay in his crib with him. He said,"Okay." I crawled (climbed really) in and lay next to him and after a couple of minutes he grabbed my hand. I reached for his other hand, and we lay there holding hands in the dark listening to each other breath.


Here is my disclaimer: I actually don't want it all. I don't need to drive a M.ercedes or get out of hte middle class or have bi-coastal homes. I just want what is a fundamental need esp. as a woman, to enjoy and experience pregnancy.

22 comments:

The Redhead Riter said...

I'm happy for you.

Stopping by to give a little blog ♥

G & H said...

I swear that will be me. We are adopting and honestly I am so happy so blessed and can;t wait! But I am also already thinking about our "conceiving" timeline. In 2 years if were still not preg naturally we will do IVF. But sometimes I wonder why I am even thinking about that when we are so excited and set to adopt...its a crazy ups and downs of infertility I guess...JUst wanted you to know your totally not alone in this

Kristin said...

Oh honey...we all want it all but we all follow different routes trying to get there. I'm glad you have those beautiful moments with Luv Bug.

wifey said...

What a beautiful post. Although I have not yet been successful on either front (adoption or ttc) I imagine that I will feel very much as you do: that I want it all.

Thanks for the comment on my blog. I look forward to checking out your foundation.

Hillary said...

Your post really spoke to me. I keep wondering how I will ever let go of the dream of conceiving, pregnancy, and birth (if that's where I end up)? Yes, parenthood is my ultimate goal, but I feel like I would still have that other dream hanging like a dark cloud over me. It scares me, but it was encouraging and refreshing to read this post and how you DO still have that dream and struggle....in the midst of beautiful moments with your son. And that you are a mom, taking each day as it comes. Thank you.

Yaya said...

I know what you mean, exactly. I want that. I want that beautiful pregnant belly and everything that comes along with it. I know that no matter how many children we adopt I will always crave that pregnancy. I don't want to do fertility treatments again but my husband does and I feel like I owe him more chance before denying him of his dream. I want it all too.

(((Hugs)))

'Murgdan' said...

So sweet. Haven't been there...but can imagine feeling the same way. And you don't need a disclaimer, I know what your blog is about.

:-)

Gaynor said...

I hope you dont mind me commenting..I have only just found your blog..and I have to say, we always want it all. Part of being human.
Lying quietly with Lovebug, and watching him breath is what being a mother is all about. We all do it, however our children came to us. And Lovebug is so special, because he was chosen.
I have used fertility treatment and I drew a line...this time and no other. It is different for everyone and I would never judge. But, we always want it all, that much is true!

Amy said...

That last bit of laying together and holding hands brought tears to my eyes. So sweet and tender.

Katie said...

That last bit brought tears to my eyes too. What a good post.

KuKd Chick said...

A really refreshing and insightful post. Thank you.

Mandy Jo said...

I understand...My husband and I have TTC for over 7 years we do have a 6 year old daughter we adopted from birth. I have actully had people tell me things like "why do you still want to have a baby." I can't seem to get some people to realize that adoption is wonderful, awesome and the best thing in the world but it doesn't take the want away from wanting to be pregnant and to know what it is like to go through all them things!! It just doesn't ...

Anita said...

"I feel stuck in the middle of infertility. I am a success story in many aspects because I am now a parent, but then again I never made it out of the IF clinic."

That line right there speaks volumes about how I feel too. I get all the joys of being able to talk about parenting/children, but when the tide turns to pregnacy/labor stories, once again, I'm out in left field & sometimes it feels like I am in the middle of that darn roller coaster all over again :)
Many people just don't seem to quite grasp that & it is definitely not 'selfish' to want it all when it comes to our families. It's just too bad that some of us have to work so much harder for it or...the hope of having it someday!

Lisa RM said...

Having it all would be boring. Then what do you have to strive for?

Peeveme said...

It makes me sad that wanting to be pregnant and have a healthy child seems like asking for too much.

Your description of yu first few nights with Luv Bug is precious.

In our own way Mr. Peeveme and I have walked away frm IVf. I have closed the door on ever having another genetic child. DE made building our family possible and I do not wonder about if IVF would work for us. It wont and frankly, I don't want to try anymore. I'm so tired of it.

Anonymous said...

Alert!

http://ivf-newborns-at-risk.blogspot.com

Wishing 4 One said...

Your last paragraph was such a visual, made me cry. I long for that moment...

Banana Pancakes... With no little monkey to feed them to. said...

Awesome post! Love your blog, I'll be making frequent visits. From a fellow IFer beginning to consider adoption :)

Beautiful Mess said...

I don't think it's bad that you're wanting to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.

I've felt the same way too. I didn't envision me taking 6 year to have a second child. I didn't envision two miscarriages. I didn't envision having horrible pregnancies. So sometimes, it's hard to let that go. Even though I know I am very lucky to have the two children I have.

I think it's just something that we will deal with forever, but as times goes by, it'll be less painful.

Sending you lots of love and peace, hon.
*HUGS*

Yoka said...

I hear you on the wanting to be pregnant thing. I am an adoptive mom, but feel the same way.
You had a question about raising bilingual kids. Our daughter is being raised trilingual (English, German, and Spanish). Email me if you want to learn more at: yokaadopts at gmail.com.

Infertility is Hard said...

I am just starting the adoption process as well. I also wonder if I'll always have the strong desire to be pregnant and give birth. Your post spoke so much to me.

Lisa said...

Oh E, I could have written that myself, if I were as good of a writer. I totally get it. All of it. I'm still waiting to be chosen to be someone's mama, and I'm a 1000% on board with adoption...but my mind still wanders for the lust of a pregnancy. I get it.

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