I know that most people who read my blog know all about Luv Bug. I have never used the disclaimer that a post will be about him-- "don't continue if you cannot read about children right now."
Maybe I should. Sometimes I feel like because I adopted and did not conceive a child that my blog is different. People still waiting to be parents may not want to hear about Luv Bug moments.
I feel stuck in the middle of infertility. I am a success story in many aspects because I am now a parent, but then again I never made it out of the IF clinic. My GYN is my RE so we talk a lot about my body and what may be going on. After reading about many of my fellow bloggers having successful procedures (well wishes to you all) I have seriously thought about scraping up the money to go back to the roller coaster. I asked Dr. R if we should ever think about doing IVF again. If $10K fell out of the sky, are we good candidates? The answer was yes. We only did one IVF cycle with her. It was a simple negative and because we have MFI there were no embryos left over. She was our new doctor, and we had run out of money and spirit to continue with ART. I told DH what Dr. R said. We easily decided that we will not do IVF again. Our perspective of ART has changed since adopting. It is not worth the money, simply put. $10,000 for maybe 3 good embryos if we are lucky. Then we have the obstacle of my antibodies and endo. And, we may never know the quality of my eggs. Too many potential problems. Too much false hope poured into one pot. Too much money after all we already spent to have our child.
I mentioned in a previous post that I seem to be ovulating which can happen later in life when one has PCOS. My period came on day 29 last month. That was a first for me. Usually it is day 35. I was feeling pretty good this month thinking that we may be able to predict ovulation. If anything I hoped to get AF on day 28-30 again to feel better about my body. Alas it is not to be. I am at day 33. Of coarse my mind is wandering into la-la prego land about the possibility even though I got a BFN on a HPT. I know the bitch will show up in two days. She kicks me when I'm down. However, I do hope she comes as expected because if AF doesn't come, then I did not ovulate and that is even worse.
It is so hard being stuck in the middle. No ART but no diminished hope of conceiving naturally. I know it is not a crazy concept, but it hurts thinking that all of this effort and hope will still leave me barren at 40. I've been told by many that by that time (or even earlier) I won't care anymore. By that time I will be going on birth control. I will have come to terms with my infertility. I know this in my heart, but for now my mind will not waiver from the consistent thoughts of having it all, Luv Bug and a pregnancy.
That's what this has become for me. I want it all. I am so selfish that I want my baby and to give birth too. I want my chance to be the glowing pregnant woman with DH and Luv Bug by my side. I want to buy NB clothes and have ultrasound pictures to email out to the world. I want the BFP so I can hold onto the secret with DH until I am bursting and we have to tell everyone. Yes, I want it all.
Luv Bug makes me laugh and smile a thousand times a day. I wish you could see his face or see a video of him because he truly is an amazing child. And, he is all ours. When he first came home and we were trying to acclimate him to the time zone, I would lay on blankets with him on the floor in his room at night. The fan would oscillate while he sucked on his bottle. He always reached for my hand as I lay there. Talk about a heart melting. The affection he offered to us, virtually complete strangers, was breathe taking. Motherhood was mine and it was so natural for me and him.
Last night Luv Bug was still awake in his crib after almost two hours. He wasn't crying but was talking every so often or saying his ABC's. I finally went in there and asked him if he wanted me to lay in his crib with him. He said,"Okay." I crawled (climbed really) in and lay next to him and after a couple of minutes he grabbed my hand. I reached for his other hand, and we lay there holding hands in the dark listening to each other breath.
Here is my disclaimer: I actually don't want it all. I don't need to drive a M.ercedes or get out of hte middle class or have bi-coastal homes. I just want what is a fundamental need esp. as a woman, to enjoy and experience pregnancy.