Monday, August 31, 2009

No Fancy Title

I don't have the energy. Infertility and all it is about has exhausted me. I am a mother. I am ecstatic to be a mother. I cuddle with my bundle of ever growing joy and giggle and smile all over. He is heaven on earth. But, infertility hangs over my head. What happened to my plans of having 3 children? I do believe deep down (how I don't know) that this is going to happen some way. But, when I weigh my options for motherhood, most of them entail lots of money; that is too much to contemplate most days.

I put a lot of faith in getting pregnant naturally. This may be a big mistake, but I know it is possible. After having adopted I feel very confident that a second adoption is in our future. I have thought of surrogacy. I at the very least know for sure that I will not do IVF on my own body- well, 99.9% sure. How about I have one option? Know when I ovulate, have an abundance of healthy sperm ready and waiting and get two lines on a pregnancy test?

How did that turn out to be such an impossibility?

We had a charity yard sale a couple of months ago and someone very generously donated tons of baby girl clothes. They were newborn to six months, practically new and so cute. I went through the bags and pulled out each onesie and dress and thought who I could give these clothes to if they didn't sell. I wanted so badly to save the them in my attic just in case. There were little hats and shoes and an adorable teeny, tiny bathing suit. Maybe if I just kept the clothes that weren't purchased it would offer a better chance of having a newborn to hold. Will I ever have a newborn to hold? Is it really that important? I just do not know.

Infertility is exhausting because my emotions are all over the board. Some days I am absolutely fine with never having my child in my life from birth. I can accept I will never be pregnant. But, dammit those feelings just won't stick. Doubt creeps in. Sadness sweeps over me. Hope continues to hover and tingle my scalp that something will miraculously happen with our fertility. We will beat the odds.

I know that others in my life wonder if pregnancy will happen on its own. My SIL was going to donate her maternity clothes for the yard sale. The tote was labelled as such and I just could not let her put the items in the sale. She told me she didn't want to bring them over and would happily take them home. Just knowing those clothes are in her attic waiting for my chance to experience pregnancy leaves me with lingering hope.

I did, however decide to give away 2 books I have stored in a box for over three years. A pregnancy journal given to me and "What to Ex.pect When You're Ex.pecting." I bought this famous book when I was pregnant for 3 weeks. I remember reading the part about having a shooting pain in your right side meant it could be an ectopic pregnancy. I remember crying and knowing that was happening to me. I gave these 2 books to a good friend and cannot wait for her to be able to use them. They are of no use to me. She will use the journal and return the book if I ever need it. I felt very uplifted by giving these books away.

My son keeps me going. He fills my life with a sense of purpose. He is growing in leaps and bounds, and I am trying to soak everything in. We have moved to a "big bed." I had to buy new pants today because he has grown so tall. DH said that he has seen MinMan grow up in the past few days- his language is exploding, his mannerisms have changed. But, he still my baby. He allows me to experience motherhood. Without him I would be a mess. I would be empty inside trying to find meaning in my life. I would be feeling all the same draining and depressing emotions of being barren.

There are good weeks and bad weeks. I know I am lucky. I know everything will work itself out. I am truly confident in that. Today I am just feelings my emotions and letting them out.


Kristin said...

Oh Erica...its moments like this I hate because I want so damned badly to be able to snap my fingers and make it better. Its not fair that someone as giving and generous as you gets cheated out of something that is suppose to be a natural part of life. {{{Hugs}}}

Leah said...

I relate to everything you wrote oh so well. Infertility is exhausting. It takes every ounce of our souls to figure out how to deal with it all. I'm so sorry for you and this pain. It isn't fair. Thinking of you.

Amy said...

So much of what you say hits home - the waiting maternity clothes in the attic and baby clothes waiting in the wings. Some days I think not getting pregnant again will not crush me and that adoption feels right. Other days that peace evaporates leaving only doubt and emptiness. It is quite a roller coaster, one I'd rather not be riding.


Meg. said...

Hugs hugs and more hugs.

It's SO exhausting! In fact, right now I'm in a pretty deep IF funk. I'm supposed to be working, but I can only summon enough energy to read the blogs of my IF sisters. =)

I'm so glad you have MiniMan in your life....but I also understand the pain of not being able to freely expand your family. I, too, see it happening for you.

Country Girl said...

I can't say enough how much I "get" your posts. You have a wonderful way of putting everything into words. I always felt the same way and clung to the hope that miraculously after no protection for 9 years my DH and I would concieve on our own. I had a hysterectomy in march and even though I KNOW that there is no possible way for me to ever get pregnant. Those feelings are still there.

Nanny Adventures said...

Did the mole survive? He looked so cute in AJ hands?

Lisa said...

(((hugs))) I think if keeping a few items tucked away for the "what if" brings comfort, then its more than a little bit of magic in that attic!

We believe our family is complete now and feel so incredibly blessed....but I learned a long time ago never to close any doors and I wonder like you if that yearning for one more baby(through either means) ever truly leaves? My Sister says it does once your first reaches a certain age and you are scrambling to keep up with extracurriculars and such....LOL...I just don't know, but I do understand your sense of grief.

Jenny said...

Wow, I know just how you feel. You express it so much better than I ever could.

Thank you for your comments on my blog. I look forward to reading through yours.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

What a lovely post.

I related this weekend, when we purchsed booster seats for Em and placed her carseats in the garage with all the other baby/toddler items we're storing in hopes of kid #2. I'm not ready to give up my dream of another child just yet...


lululu said...

when i thot i was infertile as we'd tried so hard and kept having miscarriages, i was devastated!
i think i understand your feeling somehow, and i'm so sorry for you.
all the best!

Drew said...

You, as a mother, are an unsung hero in the world. You do things like prevent your child from ending up in addiction treatment and the sort. It takes a lot to do that.


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