Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Show and Tell - 10.14.09

Tomorrow is my Blogoversary. One year of PFM. It is actually my 2nd year of blogging, but my first blogs are closed for privacy issues. Tomorrow I will post about looking back on the past 12 months, creating PFM, this blog, and meeting so many wonderful people.

Here is a post I wrote while waiting for my son to come home. After waiting close to 5 years to be a mom, the last few weeks were excruciating. This is how I felt at that time. A mom in my heart, but not a mom in the flesh. I think many of us have felt this way or still feel like that.
It is a difficult place to be in.

"What Am I Here For Anyway?"

My heart is full and heavy at the same time. I have created a new life with a new life beside me- he just isn't here yet.

Inside I am teaching the ABC's and going for walks in the stroller. The baby food in my cupboard is collecting dust along with the plastic sea animal dishes. His clothes hang on turtle hangers in the closet smelling like detergent. His socks lay in a drawer stark white never having had a chance to get dirty. As spring has sprung I open his window to relieve the store-like smell that permeates his room. Every item in there is too new, sitting unused. There are no scuff marks or stains.

Please bring me the stinky smells and the dirty clothes and the banged up walls. His stuffed animals have begged me to be carried by their arms around the house. The rocker sits in the corner yearning to hear lullabies and have it's semi-circle legs feel the weight of mother and baby. Everything screams at me to do be able to their job. The Little.People on the farm are bored and want to use the tractor and slide to down the slide. The blankets are sick of hanging on his crib, their fluffiness going untouched. Everyone feels that their roles are not being fufilled, including mine. The books are feeling neglected that their bright and shiny pages are not seeing the light of day.

Motherhood is laying dorment and I know how they feel. They, like I were made to fufill a job and we cannot do that without him here. His arrival will bring a carnival of life to all those people and objects that patiently wait to be hugged and played with so they can live up to their given expectation- to be held, loved, and used as stepping stones to build a new life.

Check out the rest of Show and Tell


Lollipop Goldstein said...

This line had me bawling: They, like I were made to fulfill a job and we cannot do that without him here.

Happy blogoversary one day early.

Jewls said...

That's how I feel...except we still need to finish the paperwork...drat! Can't wait to bring home our babes! Happy Blogoversary!

areyoukiddingme said...

Happy Blogoversary!

What a great description of a time of waiting and anticipation...

Quiet Dreams said...

This hit me in so many places. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. Happy Blogoversary!

Another Dreamer said...

Happy blogoversary!!!

And that is one powerful post, it's such a great description of how it feels. Thank you for re-sharing it.

Kristin said...

Oh hon...that was so powerful and evocative.

Emalee said...

Oh gosh I am happy you were the comment above me today on sits....I am going to have to come back and read all about your blog. IF you could not tell stopping by from sits hope you have a wonderful blogiversary.

Once A Mother said...

what a beautiful post, as a person who still has a room full of "store smells" and unused things, who still waits for the child that won't ever be coming home, it really hit home. happy blogoversary.

Anonymous said...

Happy Blogoversary!

Thanks so much for sharing this. I, too, have things waiting, unused. It's nice to know we're not alone.

Sam said...

what an absolutely beautiful post, so moving and such an insight into the whole anticpation that arises.

Lin said...

It was this line in the intro that had me crying before I'd even made it to the story..."A mom in my heart, but not a mom in the flesh." Beautiful and moving...I think so many of us can relate!

Happy early blogoversary!

Stephanie said...

This rings SO true for me. I feel like I am waiting to become the person I was meant to be... as crazy as that may seem!
Happy Blogoversary!


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