Three years have passed since my final IVF came back negative. Three years have gone by since we drew a line in the sand and made the decision to come to terms that pregnancy was not in our plan. Christmas was ruined that year. Emotions were so raw that I was on the verge of tears practically every moment of every day.
January and February were filled with numb despair.
The one good thing was that my broken body could repair itself. My lower back was numb for nearly a year. The 4 years of shots had done some real damage. I wondered if the feeling would ever return, in my lower back and my heart.
The decision to pursue adoption was exciting and scary. It took us many, many months to actually move forward and make a commitment to an agency. We made the decision and let it sink in. We were overwhelmed with an entire new set of decisions about facing our fears of making the right choice on a country, agency, and financing.
That summer I did one last IUI. Don't know why really. I guess it was a last ditch effort, a way to prove to myself that my body really is broken and the negative IVF wasn't another piece of bad luck.
I have to take Lovenox shots because of anti nuclear antibodies. They hurt, sting, and are very uncomfortable. Yet again timing was not on my side, and I was on my 2ww during a great friend's wedding. I remember sneaking away to take my shot and seeing a bruise on my abdomen the size of a football- a purple football. I had bruising before, but this was ridiculous. My entire abdomen was a blood filled mess. In a sense I felt like it was a lesson.
We had said we were done with the failed IVF, and I had to go and try one more time. It is so hard to say there will never be ONE more try.
The negative pregnancy test that followed a week after the wedding was not a surprise, and it did not leave me with heaving sobs or a bigger sense of loss. It was just like hearing everyday news- the bills are paid, put the garbage out, the car needs to go to the shop, your final IUI did not work. Everyday news. 4 1/2 years will do that to you.
As many of you know our experience with adoption breathed new life into our beings and relationship. The entire proces from beginning to end was remarkable and magical. This time 2 years ago was extremely exciting as pictures of our baby boy were posted every where- house, office, family's refrigerators. It was our first Christmas to receive gifts for OUR baby.
Min Man has been home for a year and a half, and here we are experiencing our second Christmas with him home. Every day is a new adventure. Over Thanksgiving we got to see Min Man take care of his little cousin- a boy who is 15 months old. It was wonderful to see him in the big brother role. He is so loving and affectionate. Even though there was some tugging and pulling of his toys in an attempt to not share, he came around quickly and played very well with this little boy visitor.
How will Min Man become a big brother? I believe wholeheartedly it will happen. And from all that I have learned in the past five years, I feel at peace knowing that there are great things for my future.
If I had the money, I would do IVF again. If I had the money.
We have spent $50,000 to have a family. It is upsurd. But, I am mentally and physically ready to try it one more time. We did IVF 3 times but b/c of undiagnosed conditions, only really had a fighting chance on the last cycle.
I suppose that we could figure something out if we decided to go ahead with IVF. But, after adopting the game has changed. One IVF cycle is nearly half the cost of a second adoption. How can I justify paying $9000 for a chance? A chance that has not proven to work out well for us by any means.
This is why I hate infertility. I mean, I hate a lot of things about infertility, but the money obstacles are what really make me bitter. Lack of money is why I might not be able to get pregnant? Money is why I may not be able to adopt again? I want to fill my house full of children, but I can't. I do not have enough money!
Alas, this is something I have accepted. What choice do I have? The decisions we make right now regarding spending money on infertility or adoption could affect our ability to pay for college for our children. We must be conservative about the size and value of our home. We may have loan payments for our babies for many years to come. This is our truth.
I guess IVF is a possbility. The biggest question I have is whether I want to open up my heart again. I know I will recover if it does not work. But, will I sorely regret having spent the money? That will be what makes me the most angry- that I got sucked into ART again and not only will have subjected my body to the abuse, but my bank account, and most of all my heart.
This is kind of a rambling post, which is unlike me, but this reveals how torn I am. What a difficult decision. Whatever we decide, we will keep it to ourselves. The one thing I am beyond is sharing any procedures with others. I simply cannot put my heart on the line in front of everyone anymore when it comes to this.
I will put my heart on the line for others by telling my story of past infertility treatments, current thoughts on dealing with the chronic condition of infertility, the wisdom I have gained through experience, and the moments I cherish being a mother.
But, any chance of pregnancy for me and any decision made to pursue pregnancy with an RE will remain private. I will rejoice in private or I will mourn in private, and find a way to move on again.