Sunday, December 6, 2009

Bank Account Bitterness

Three years have passed since my final IVF came back negative. Three years have gone by since we drew a line in the sand and made the decision to come to terms that pregnancy was not in our plan. Christmas was ruined that year. Emotions were so raw that I was on the verge of tears practically every moment of every day.

January and February were filled with numb despair.

The one good thing was that my broken body could repair itself. My lower back was numb for nearly a year. The 4 years of shots had done some real damage. I wondered if the feeling would ever return, in my lower back and my heart.

The decision to pursue adoption was exciting and scary. It took us many, many months to actually move forward and make a commitment to an agency. We made the decision and let it sink in. We were overwhelmed with an entire new set of decisions about facing our fears of making the right choice on a country, agency, and financing.

That summer I did one last IUI. Don't know why really. I guess it was a last ditch effort, a way to prove to myself that my body really is broken and the negative IVF wasn't another piece of bad luck.

I have to take Lovenox shots because of anti nuclear antibodies. They hurt, sting, and are very uncomfortable. Yet again timing was not on my side, and I was on my 2ww during a great friend's wedding. I remember sneaking away to take my shot and seeing a bruise on my abdomen the size of a football- a purple football. I had bruising before, but this was ridiculous. My entire abdomen was a blood filled mess. In a sense I felt like it was a lesson.

We had said we were done with the failed IVF, and I had to go and try one more time. It is so hard to say there will never be ONE more try.

The negative pregnancy test that followed a week after the wedding was not a surprise, and it did not leave me with heaving sobs or a bigger sense of loss. It was just like hearing everyday news- the bills are paid, put the garbage out, the car needs to go to the shop, your final IUI did not work. Everyday news. 4 1/2 years will do that to you.

As many of you know our experience with adoption breathed new life into our beings and relationship. The entire proces from beginning to end was remarkable and magical. This time 2 years ago was extremely exciting as pictures of our baby boy were posted every where- house, office, family's refrigerators. It was our first Christmas to receive gifts for OUR baby.

Min Man has been home for a year and a half, and here we are experiencing our second Christmas with him home. Every day is a new adventure. Over Thanksgiving we got to see Min Man take care of his little cousin- a boy who is 15 months old. It was wonderful to see him in the big brother role. He is so loving and affectionate. Even though there was some tugging and pulling of his toys in an attempt to not share, he came around quickly and played very well with this little boy visitor.

How will Min Man become a big brother? I believe wholeheartedly it will happen. And from all that I have learned in the past five years, I feel at peace knowing that there are great things for my future.

If I had the money, I would do IVF again. If I had the money.

We have spent $50,000 to have a family. It is upsurd. But, I am mentally and physically ready to try it one more time. We did IVF 3 times but b/c of undiagnosed conditions, only really had a fighting chance on the last cycle.

I suppose that we could figure something out if we decided to go ahead with IVF. But, after adopting the game has changed. One IVF cycle is nearly half the cost of a second adoption. How can I justify paying $9000 for a chance? A chance that has not proven to work out well for us by any means.

This is why I hate infertility. I mean, I hate a lot of things about infertility, but the money obstacles are what really make me bitter. Lack of money is why I might not be able to get pregnant? Money is why I may not be able to adopt again? I want to fill my house full of children, but I can't. I do not have enough money!

Alas, this is something I have accepted. What choice do I have? The decisions we make right now regarding spending money on infertility or adoption could affect our ability to pay for college for our children. We must be conservative about the size and value of our home. We may have loan payments for our babies for many years to come. This is our truth.

I guess IVF is a possbility. The biggest question I have is whether I want to open up my heart again. I know I will recover if it does not work. But, will I sorely regret having spent the money? That will be what makes me the most angry- that I got sucked into ART again and not only will have subjected my body to the abuse, but my bank account, and most of all my heart.

This is kind of a rambling post, which is unlike me, but this reveals how torn I am. What a difficult decision. Whatever we decide, we will keep it to ourselves. The one thing I am beyond is sharing any procedures with others. I simply cannot put my heart on the line in front of everyone anymore when it comes to this.

I will put my heart on the line for others by telling my story of past infertility treatments, current thoughts on dealing with the chronic condition of infertility, the wisdom I have gained through experience, and the moments I cherish being a mother.

But, any chance of pregnancy for me and any decision made to pursue pregnancy with an RE will remain private. I will rejoice in private or I will mourn in private, and find a way to move on again.


Wendy said...

I've wondered about if we would do IVF again, too. I don't think I'm up for it, though. I do think about it, but it was so emotionally painful. I don't really want to put myself through that again (we tried 3 times with IVF after 4 IUIs.) And not to mention the financial aspect that you talked about. I guess I feel like with adoption, we would eventually be chosen by a birthmom so there's more hope there.

I do want to wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. It's a tough decision. I hope writing about it here helps you to figure out which way you would like to go.

Mary said...

You are in my prayers no matter what you decide. I hate that Infertility is such a great presence in the lives of way too many people I know.


Anonymous said...

Those fertility treatments are like a drug. It's like you just can't quit. The hope is too strong.

And yes, I too hate the money factor.

We just found out yesterday my brother in law and his wife are pregnant again. I'm happy for them, but it's just got my mind swirling. Why are some people able to just get pregnant and others have to spend years trying? Why does it just come naturally to some and not others? It's just not fair. Why does anyone have to go through Infertility?

The Busters said...

It really angers me that most insurance companies don't cover IVF. It is a medical condition - isn't that what insurance is for?! I get even angrier when I think about how Viagra IS covered by most insurance companies yet reproductive options for women still lag. It sounds like you have some difficult decisions ahead of you. I wish you the best in whatever road you choose to take. -Emily B.

Nanny Adventures said...

I hope you make a choice that will leave your heart filled with satisfaction. You are a mom now, moms know what the right choices to make for their families. Even if it is a hard one you will make the right decision. I hope that you will be able to have another child one way or another. I truly believe in positive thinking and putting out positive thoughts to the universe to get what you want in life. And if I had some extra money lying around I would send it your way:) Hope your Holidays are filled with wonderful memories and the new year is filled with great opportunities to come!

Jewls said...

I guess that is one nice thing about's much more final than trying, adoption is THE way to build our family!

Mammatalk said...

Much luck and good wishes to you in your quest.

Leah said...

I also hate that it is money that often stands in the way of building a family. . . and being pregnant. Thinking of you.

MK said...

God I hate that money is the reason I don't have a child right now...that and the balanced translocation...but for my screwed up genes and my lack of available funds, I would either be mid-adoption process or picking out an egg's so painful to see people say, "I think we will have another baby..." and wham! They are pregnant...I fluctuate between feeling hopeless and a little relief that now, because it's not going to be my eggs in either situation, time isn't an issue...except, of course, for my emotional well-being but I think that ship sailed a while ago...

Spring Fricks said...

I have friends with similar stories. There are no words. It's hard all the way around.

Thanks for stopping by my blog (a long time ago) I'm just now catching up in bloggy world and wanted to stop by.

Lisa said...

((hugs)) In private or in public, your decision must way heavy on your hearts & souls. I wish you peace....and much joy!

Marci said...

I completely understand your need to keep your decision private, if you opt for ART again. I thought I'd find support by being open about our fertility treatments and our recent failed IVF, but that ended up backfiring. No one could say anything supportive enough and it's a painful reminder to update everyone on the bad news when they ask. Some people even look at us with pity.

You're smart to insulate yourself if you decide to pursue another IVF. I hope you find peace as you make the best decision for your next step.

tireegal68 said...

I have been thinking of you and this post since you posted it. I haven't been through anything like what you have, so I know that my opinion is based on more theory than practice. My heart was heavy for you when I read of the choices ( not really the right word) you were considering. I felt fear when I imagined you putting your heart and soul into more IVF treatments after what you have already been through. The lure of the hope and the promise and weighing the money and the odds is so hard to bear. The odds of adoption seem so much better but the price so high in dollars. The odds with IVF seem very steep and emotionally and physically draining but more affordable if it works. I am thinking of you as you ponder your decision and wish that money was no object. I hoping that you will find Min Man's brother or sister somehow and in a way that works for you. xoxoxo


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