Monday, December 28, 2009

New To Me

I usually do not pledge any changes in the form of New Year Resolutions. I try to live my life day to day and make alterations when necessary and celebrate happy times and milestones when they come. I understand the meaning of a new year, a fresh start. I enjoy wiping the slate clean. In my office I am a big fan of new calendars with no marks or smudges, packing up the previous year files and creating brand new, pristine labels for crisp manila folders. Preparing new budgets and goals for the year is very satisfying. I have a different outlook in my personal life. Every day is a chance to change my life for the better (if I have the energy).

I am glad that Mel at Stirrup-Queens asked us to share our Resolution Posts because I have been thinking about something very important. Trying to formulate the post, I just could not come up with a good title. For the first time in a long time I am categorizing the year of 2010 for change in a couple of different ways. Here is one example:

I had a bit of a revelation during December. After visiting with my RE, the thought occurred to me that our infertility journey may have been completely blown out of proportion.(Note- this RE is our second doctor after a few years at a previous practice.) Yes, I seem to have Polystic Ovarian Syndrome. Yes, we have male factor infertility. Therefore, we would have difficulty conceiving on our own. Whether time heals all wounds or not I am not sure. However time does provide clairvoyance. It has been 3 years since I ended my TTC journey through medical intervention. I am not sure exactly when but at some point it became clear that my cycles were rather regular and I am ovulating. Five years ago I was under the impression that I may only ovulate 1-2 times a year. Trying to mastermind that would be worse than trying to win big at the casino. Things seemed pretty dismal. Our "severe MFI" has now turned into moderate to severe. The numbers have varied and are not the best but not the worst either. We did discover that I have ANA and ANC anti-bodies which can now be remedied somewhat.

My point is that I have talked to many, many people in the past year. I have heard different stories of how they ended up in an RE's office. This has forced me to look back on our experience as rushed and done without enough research. At times I get angry because it is possible that if we had taken some time to try and conceive on our own, see what my cycles would be like without drugs, maybe learn about lifestyle changes and fertility in general, we would never have made it to the fertility clinic. I try not to think about what could have happened because there is no changing the past. Every event led us to being parents of our beautiful son. The "What if's" are not worth muddling over. But, they can help us avoid making the same mistake- selling our bodies short.

My Resolution for 2010 is to try and conceive. You read that right.

My cycles are pretty regular. Why can't I buy some OPK's and try to figure out my body and when I ovulate during my cycle? Why can't I make some lifestyle changes such as cutting out caffeine, alcohol, and exercising more to try and make my body more healthy in preparation for getting pregnant? Our last IVF slammed the door of conception in our face. What I realize now is that I allowed that door to close and stay closed. I really believed that my body was broken to the point that I would never get or stay pregnant. I do not feel that way anymore.

I have put a lot of thought into going down this road again; however, I do not feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Us infertiles know what failure feels like. We play the hope lottery all the time. I look at this as something I have to do so that I do not wonder for the rest of my life if we could have done more on our own to have a baby. Do we really need all the drugs and procedures? We do not know because we never officially tried on our own. Some people get pregnant with absolutely no effort. Most women have to figure out when they are most fertile. We will have to do that and then some. For instance, I will have to take baby Aspirin for the anti-bodies, we will have to make sure we boost our fertility with diet and exercise, we will have to be extremely aware of a pregnancy in order to try and sustain a pregnancy that may occur. I can come to terms that staying pregnant will be difficult unless we take the necessary measures. But every woman has to worry about miscarriage. I am no different. I am just a bit jaded.

We shall see what the future holds, but I feel good about this realization. I understand that technically we are infertile. Technically our chances of conception are that much lower than 90% of the population. Screw the statistics and my negative frame of mind. After six years I have come out of the fog of impossibility. I am taking control of what I have left of child bearing years and will give it my full attention. I am taking a stab at thinking of myself like most women- TTC the old fashioned way. Conceiving in private and on our own terms. Something in my heart is telling me this is what we need to do. This is the next step in this extremely difficult and mind-opening journey. It is a step toward closure on our baby making abilities. I won't be left wondering because we will have done everything we needed to do so that we can move on from this part of building our family.

24 comments:

Noelle said...

I love that you said that something in your heart is telling you that you need to do this. I believe there is a reason for that. Every single time that my heart tells me to do something, it turns out to be for good reason.

I wish you the best this year. I love your attitude. I love the fact that you are being open to the possibilities. It is exciting!

Pamela said...

I completely understand what you are saying. I have severe PCOS. After 7 years of IF treatment and adopting our oldest son Jack, I had Gastric Bypass and lost 130lbs. After my 1 year anniversary I decided to start taking my metformin again, just to see if it would work better now. 2 months later I started cycling every 5 weeks. Bloodwork showed that I was ovulating on my own. WHAT??? That had never, ever happened before. We schedule surgery to remove some scar tissue we knew was binding down one of my ovaries. Needed to make sure we were giving those eggs their best chance. The night before my surgery we received a phone call about adopting our second son. We talked about it and decided to go ahead with the surgery and the adoption. After trying for 9 years, we weren't going to lay all of our hopes on getting pregnant. I got pregnant in April or 2008, I was about to turn 44. Our second son Michael was born in June of 2008 and our third son Nathan was born in Dec of 2008. I've been asked if I wish I'd done the surgery sooner so I could have had a baby sooner. My answer is always no. We have the children we were meant to have. If I had gotten pregnant sooner. We would not have Jack and Michael and I could just not imagine things any different. Also, if we had given up, we wouldn't have Nathan.

Liddy said...

Thanks for the comment.

I wish you the very best in your resolution.

KuKd Chick said...

This is a really thoughtful and lovely post. I'm glad I read it. Yay you, for taking stock of your TTC life to this point. As you say, maybe a return to viewing yourself as a "normal" woman trying to make a baby is a nice place to go for a while - and who knows, perhaps it'll pan out with good things. I'd say you deserve at this point to take whatever path feels right to you. Lord knows you've been through a lot.

Seraphim said...

I JUST finished filling out my calendar and using stickers and a new pen to make it pretty. And I'm the mother who collects up Christmas cards the day after Christmas and dusts the surfaces where they were because I can't bear the clutter. So I understand you totally.
And your resolution? AWESOME!!! and very exciting. Wishing you great success xxx

Beautiful Mess said...

Good for you sweetie! I'm with you in your journey. I wish you nothing but the best on this road. I'll be sitting here thinking of you and sending you some good JUJU!
*HUGS*

Lavender Luz said...

I, for one (out of many), will be cheering you on.

Julie said...

I wish you all the luck in the world as you TTC this year.

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

I agree with you totally and wish you all the very best in 2010. This is such a great support site for other parents struggling with infertility. I think it's beautiful that people can reach out, connect and help each other through things by sharing their journey and becoming the hope that we all seek in life. Kudos to you for being that positive force!

(p.s. stopped by from SITS roll call this morning. thanks for letting me look around).

Dawn said...

Stopping by from SITS-go with your gut feeling!

I know everyone is different but I had fertility treatments for my first 3 children-the first 2 just pills-gosh, I can't even remember the name right now-but for third, I wasn't ovulating at all and had to have shots. I got pg with my third and had to have my right ovary removed because it twisted because it was so enlarged, no problem with third child, so thankful for that. I did no more fertility treatments and ended up having 2 more babies with only one ovary-I still don't ovulate every month but I did at least 2 more times :) So, sorry this is so long and like I said I know everyone is different but my point is your body can change-mine did. I wish you all the luck and peace with whatever may happen.

MK said...

I love your resolution and that you are following your heart. For me, this last loss has seemed to make me even more determined to conceive and carry whereas previous losses have made me want to give up. I don't know if it's the promise of a New Year and a new start but for the first time I can remember, I feel somewhat hopeful...Fingers crossed for you and me...

Leah said...

I hope 2010 is the year all of your dreams come true.

Geochick said...

I wish you the best on your next TTC journey! Hopefully this one more fruitful and less frustrating.

Kristin said...

Wishing you the very best of luck in your journey.

Kitty said...

Thank you for this post! It really inspired me to stop obsessing over statistics and just keep TRYING. I needed that :)

I'm wishing you all the best in your "new" journey!!

JC said...

Wishing you lots and lots of luck with your New Years Resolution! I liked reading this post and I hope 2010 is a great year for all of us!

Saige said...

This is a great post! I totally hear you about taking charge. I guess enough time has passed for both of us since we last TTC that we have regained a bit of hope and confidence.

I pray that 2010 brings us both the thing we want most, a happy, healthy pregnancy resulting in a happy, healthy baby in 2011.

Yaya said...

Good luck! I hope it happens for you!!!!!

Debbie said...

I wish you only the best!

Together We Save said...

Good luck to you!

tireegal68 said...

Dear PFM,
When I first read your post about thinking of weighing another IVF versus adoption I have to admit I was rooting for the adoption because it seemed like it was more attainable even though expensive - and I was trying to mitigate the hurt that might happen.But I didn't know about the fertility issues you were facing at that time. I assumed that because you had adopted TTC was out of the question. But it sounds like there is a lot to be hopeful about and many things you can do. I hope you can find a PCOS specialist and someone who can work with you to really work on a plan that you are all on board with.
I am happy for the decision you have made and will be following your journey. :) Happy New Year!

Mary said...

Good for you for following what you know in your heart is the right thing to do!! You are in my prayers nightly. All of your followers are here for moral support!

What a wonderful way to start the New Year!

WiseGuy said...

In complete awe!

I wish you absolute good luck for your resolution.

One thing about this whole journey is the continuous learning that we obtain about ourselver, our bodies and about the choices we make.

I seem to understand things better now. Whatever I knew before, it takes a little time to have it sink in/absorb.

It is now after so many years that I have finally been able to point out when I am ovulating, minus a wand!


All the very very very best to you!

Stacey said...

(Sorry I'm late commenting -- still getting caught up after the holidays.)
I'm so glad to hear that you are following your heart about this decision. Just want you to know I'm pulling for you and sending best wishes!

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