It seems odd that during the six years I have been in the market to reproduce, I have never dreamt that I was pregnant. Well, until last week.
It is amazing how our minds meld different images, thoughts, and experiences into a dream during sleep. Getting to the root of where this dream came from was interesting.
I remember walking into a store with a pregnant belly and catching a glimpse of myself in the window. I see myself smiling at the image of my cute profile and pretty maternity shirt. As soon as I felt the happiness wash over me I remembered that I was actually wearing a costume. I was dressed as a pregnant woman.
Instead of entering a store I ended up at a party. It was as if it suddenly occurred to me how ironic my "costume" was and how people at the party would think I was nuts or feel discomfort at my choice of an outfit. I mean, everyone knows I cannot get pregnant.
In the dream I anxiously and vehemently tried to hide my "pregnant" belly behind my pocket book and a table. I feared that my costume would be revealed and I would be mocked and laughed at or simply avoided because no one would understand why I chose to come "pregnant." I guess it never occurred to me that I could simply remove the costume. That would be too big, too drastic. Leaving the costume on meant that even though I wasn't showing myself off, I could still capture the moment of feeling a protruding belly. Even if it was only for a short time I was more pregnant than I ever had been before.
When I woke up, I did not really think too much about the dream except for the fact that it was weird. Most dreams are. As the hours passed, however the depth of the dream and what it meant to me grew more profound. This is my version of a pregnancy dream. Even in my dreams I cannot get pregnant.
I did not cry over the dream or let it ruin my weekend, but I definitely mulled over where in my brain this dream came from. Part of it is obvious. I think about pregnancy all the time. I read blogs and stories of infertility and pregnancy all the time. And all the time I wonder what my future holds. Will I ever create and carry a baby?
Maybe my inner psyche has given up but the conscious part of my brain is still in self preservation mode. I have often conveyed in this blog that my motherhood journey is still in effect. I have one beautiful child through adoption and I intend to have more. How? Who knows.
Throughout the past five years I never felt like I was less of a woman due to my inability to conceive. For some reason I was spared that piece of the giant and often unmanageable side effects of infertility. It was not until recently that my mind ventured towards thoughts of inadequacy and revisiting emotions of never fitting in with the vast number of women who can create and sustain life,feel their baby kick in the womb, give birth, and breastfeed. My body is not able to do what it was made to do. That is sad to me.
Sometimes I do feel awkward because I cannot get knocked up. I drank wine at my baby shower. I did not even have the option of trying to breast feed. I have no clue as to anything about newborns. Fact is that sometimes I embrace this uniqueness but most times it stabs at my heart. I wonder if my mother still feels sad that she will never see her baby pregnant.
Are dreams like art imitating life? If so then I should be dreaming about how much joy fills my life from being a mother to Min man. He has a light around him like no one I have ever met. I did not know it was possible for so many wonderful things to be bound up in a little boy. Every day I hold him with all my might, smell his skin, listen to his laugh, and silently reveal my gratitude for his existence. I would be lost with out him. Lost, sad, and muddling through this world wondering when my hopes and dreams would come true.