Monday, March 1, 2010

In My Dreams

It seems odd that during the six years I have been in the market to reproduce, I have never dreamt that I was pregnant. Well, until last week.

It is amazing how our minds meld different images, thoughts, and experiences into a dream during sleep. Getting to the root of where this dream came from was interesting.

I remember walking into a store with a pregnant belly and catching a glimpse of myself in the window. I see myself smiling at the image of my cute profile and pretty maternity shirt. As soon as I felt the happiness wash over me I remembered that I was actually wearing a costume. I was dressed as a pregnant woman.

Instead of entering a store I ended up at a party. It was as if it suddenly occurred to me how ironic my "costume" was and how people at the party would think I was nuts or feel discomfort at my choice of an outfit. I mean, everyone knows I cannot get pregnant.

In the dream I anxiously and vehemently tried to hide my "pregnant" belly behind my pocket book and a table. I feared that my costume would be revealed and I would be mocked and laughed at or simply avoided because no one would understand why I chose to come "pregnant." I guess it never occurred to me that I could simply remove the costume. That would be too big, too drastic. Leaving the costume on meant that even though I wasn't showing myself off, I could still capture the moment of feeling a protruding belly. Even if it was only for a short time I was more pregnant than I ever had been before.

When I woke up, I did not really think too much about the dream except for the fact that it was weird. Most dreams are. As the hours passed, however the depth of the dream and what it meant to me grew more profound. This is my version of a pregnancy dream. Even in my dreams I cannot get pregnant.

I did not cry over the dream or let it ruin my weekend, but I definitely mulled over where in my brain this dream came from. Part of it is obvious. I think about pregnancy all the time. I read blogs and stories of infertility and pregnancy all the time. And all the time I wonder what my future holds. Will I ever create and carry a baby?

Maybe my inner psyche has given up but the conscious part of my brain is still in self preservation mode. I have often conveyed in this blog that my motherhood journey is still in effect. I have one beautiful child through adoption and I intend to have more. How? Who knows.

Throughout the past five years I never felt like I was less of a woman due to my inability to conceive. For some reason I was spared that piece of the giant and often unmanageable side effects of infertility. It was not until recently that my mind ventured towards thoughts of inadequacy and revisiting emotions of never fitting in with the vast number of women who can create and sustain life,feel their baby kick in the womb, give birth, and breastfeed. My body is not able to do what it was made to do. That is sad to me.

Sometimes I do feel awkward because I cannot get knocked up. I drank wine at my baby shower. I did not even have the option of trying to breast feed. I have no clue as to anything about newborns. Fact is that sometimes I embrace this uniqueness but most times it stabs at my heart. I wonder if my mother still feels sad that she will never see her baby pregnant.

Are dreams like art imitating life? If so then I should be dreaming about how much joy fills my life from being a mother to Min man. He has a light around him like no one I have ever met. I did not know it was possible for so many wonderful things to be bound up in a little boy. Every day I hold him with all my might, smell his skin, listen to his laugh, and silently reveal my gratitude for his existence. I would be lost with out him. Lost, sad, and muddling through this world wondering when my hopes and dreams would come true.

14 comments:

Saige said...

I am actually into dream analysis, and I know what "they" say is the meaning behind a pregnancy dream. It is your subconscious bringing to light an idea or a project that you are bringing to fruition. In your case, it would be all of your work with PFM. It is something you have nurtured and grown deep within your heart, and you are now seeing it take flight, as if you are ready to give birth to it and officially bring it into the world. I think your feelings of embarassment may stem from the fact that you did not create your son biologically, and so maybe you feel a little bit shy about PFM. The last one is a shot in the dark and only my two cents. But honestly, I think your dream was great. Especially in the way you said you have never had one before, yet you are about to have a silent auction to raise money for your cause. It is very foretelling.

I hope you didn't think this was weird, but I had to share because I thought it would bring a smile to your face. :)

*hugs*

Kristin said...

Dreams have always fascinated me. Sometimes they seem so chock full of meaning and subtexts and sometimes we are just left wondering where they came from.

Jewls said...

I've had a few pregnancy dreams and they always make me sad!

Bon said...

Send me info on the blog entry/essay contest. I'd like to enter but I didn't see the info listed.

Beautiful Mess said...

Oh wow, what a dream! I'm glad you didn't let it ruin your weekend. I like Saige's take on it. It makes sens about all the work you do for PFM and how it's all about to take flight.
*HUGS*

Stacey said...

Erica, I can't imagine all of the emotions that dream must have brought up. Pregnancy and baby dreams always leave me feeling so... strange. Usually sad, but sometimes hopeful in a way. Sometimes I've even welcomed the image of holding my child, even if it was just a dream.

I know that your desire is to have more children, and it's my hope for you that that dream will be realized.

Alana said...

What an interesting dream! I too always wonder what things in my life "trigger" my dreams.

LOVED your last paragraph...it reminded me of a personal goal---to remember how much my Em means to me on a daily basis. YES, I want another child...but may I never, ever lose my gratefulness for my sweet girl! Thanks for the reminder!

Lisa said...

I love that you share all of it...the big, the mighty, the humbling, the hard, the good and the gift of your son above all else!

For he truly is one dream that came true!

I have only dreamed I was pregnant on 3 occasions.....all 3 times it turned out that someone close to me WAS expecting. Isn't that weird but kinda joyous too?

rebecca said...

Very moving post about the emotions that sometimes lie hidden below the surface until something such as that pulls them forward. You're such a wonderful writer & I love that even when talking about your pain, you still see the beauty & the good that is in your life with your son. ((hugs))

Life with Kaishon said...

This is the third post I have read about dreams in the last week :). I don't usually dream. I wish I did so I could have exciting stories to share : )

theinternationalmom said...

Erica,
I forgot I still had pregnancy dreams until I read your post. In the dream my doctor is again telling me that I've lost the baby. It's a recurring dream...and sometimes the baby just isn't there, but a phantom. I'm so sad and drained during the dream, but releived that I'm not pregnant when I wake up.
Judy

Another Dreamer said...

This is a truly beautiful and truthful post. Yes, the way life and dreams mingle, and intertwine is something else. This one gave me chills, because the way that dream felt- I know it well.

..Soo.See.. said...

Dreams are so strange. Strange in that while they might make us smile, they keep us wondering. Glad it didn't ruin your weekend, but still.. it stabs at the heart, like you said. Your last paragraph is lovely!!

VelvetMinxx said...

Man, I'm so sorry. I hope you have a dream about eating chocolate and boozing.

:(

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