Monday, May 24, 2010
My perfect moment came at about 4 pm this afternoon after a series of not-so-perfect moments. Moments where a 3 year old refuses to take a nap even though he is extremely tired and cranky. Min man has reached the stage where he is vocalizing his opinions more and pointing his finger when he does not want to do something.
I spent two hours trying to get him to fall asleep. I spent this amount of time because I am trying to teach him that even though he does not want to do something, he has to do it 'cause I said so!
After the eighth time of going into Min man's room and telling him to lay down I hear him jump out of bed and start messing with things in his room. I suck in my breath before yelling out his name and I hear," Open the door. Abre, abre."
I laughed out loud. Last night when watching Dora he learned the word for open- "abre"
What am I supposed to do with that other than chuckle and forget about a nap for today?
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
There were times I went there filled with hope because we were starting an IUI or gearing up for IVF. But for the most part entering that hospital deflated my soul and brought on a huge wave of sadness. Either I was dreading the painful blood draws or uncomfortable ultrasounds or waiting to hear bad news. There was rarely anything good that came from my visits to that fertility clinic.
I walked down to the lobby where the coffee and bagels are served and remembered sitting in those chairs with AJ waiting for the second half of the IUI or the transfer to happen after IVF. Sitting in that lobby was the only time we were there for something positive to happen. Maybe this time it would work.
I have no idea how many times I went to that hospital over the course of 2 1/2 years; it could be 100. Being there was always a reminder that I could not get pregnant. Often I would see women being wheeled out with their beautiful babies. My already fragile heart took another hit. My average visit there was 45 minutes long. Think about all that time I can never get back. Most times when I left an appointment I already had another one scheduled. My life was bound up in infertility, strangled by the unpredictable schedule of when my body would be ready for an IUI or IVF.
No we cannot go on that weekend getaway, sorry. We have something going on.
I can't make your rehearsal dinner because my body is so bloated an uncomfortable that I can't wear anything but sweatpants.
So and so's baby shower? Uh, I have to work that afternoon.
After my ectopic pregnancy was discovered that hospital became a black hole. It took over 2 months for my pregnancy to fully terminate. I was rushed there one afternoon in excruciating pain fearing I would have to have surgery to lose my tube. My mother drove me and AJ met us there. It was at that time I realized I was done. Something had to change. Mentally and physically that hospital would never provide me with the dream I so longed for.
There will always be some places, some people that invoke memories that are extremely painful. This is the stamp infertility has placed on my life. It is almost like a brand. A painful brand of lost dreams, life changing pain, and soul searching I never thought I would face.
Most times when I had an appointment I had to go alone. Being alone in infertility is probably one of the worst parts. There was always a waiting room full of hopeful women or sometimes already-moms and their toddlers potentially hoping for another child. But I never found comfort in my infertility comrades because I did not want to be there.
I'm sure none of them did either. We were all alone but together in our plight to pummel infertility and live out our dreams.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
We are proud to announce that Martha from A Watched Belly Never Grows is the winner of the contest. She speaks of her losses and trying to get through the days. The pain is evident in her words, "This is my life now.Trying to live with my disappointment.Trying to survive this loss."
Thank you, Martha for sharing your story.
The Room - 11/2/09
It's there. In the house. The room that was to be the boys' room. It's filled with baby boy clothes, toys, a crib, a car seat, broken dreams, dashed hopes, lots of sadness. I haven't set foot in that room since we moved in. The crib was never set up in there, the decorations never hung on the wall, the walls never painted. I can't even tell you what the closet looks like in there - the last time I saw it, I was pregnant and we didn't own the house and now, I can't really remember life before April 8th.
I walk past the door about 14 times a day and I think, "I'm never going to get in that room." I lay in bed at night and I can see the door from where I lay and I think, "I'm never going to get up in the middle of the night, pad across the hall, scoop up my crying baby and rock him back to sleep. It's never going to happen for me." I lay there, not sleeping, staring at the door.
This is my life now. Trying to live with my disappointment. Trying to survive this loss. I thought I was doing okay but really, these last few weeks...I'm not. I'm not okay. I want so badly to look at the people around me and say, "help me. Please, help me. I'm hurt and I can't go to the doctor to fix it because it's deep down inside....they won't know what to do for me...Someone please just take me in your arms and hold me, let me cry..." I have conversations with people about the weather, books, shopping, whatever but my eyes are searching their faces, begging, "please, ask me how I am...ask me about them...ask me if I'm okay....but only if your prepared for the answer...I can't freely give this information if you don't mean it when you ask the question, if you are not prepared for the answer then don't ask..."
But I don't. I'm supposed to be better. I'm supposed to be moving forward. The people around me, they have lives, they can't be taking care of me. I have to take care of myself and Hubby. I've always taken care of myself. Always. I have to be strong, I can't fall apart again.
I want to get into that room...I want a baby to hold and cuddle and love who will live in that room but I fear that will never happen. I want my boys and I KNOW that won't happen.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Here are some pictures of their beautiful facility. Walking through the door brings an automatic calm with soothing music, fragrances and a warm atmosphere. The stress of every day life gets turned down about 50 notches which is good for everyone especially those going through infertility.
If you can read this sign, check out their pricing for ART!
- displaced or prolapsed uterus
- painful periods and ovulation
- irregular menstrual cycles and ovulation
- no menstruation at all
- miscarriage or difficult pregnancy
- bladder or yeast infections
- uterine polyps
- painful intercourse
- PMS/ Depression
- ovarian cysts
- peri menopause, menopausal symptoms
- early states of prostrate swelling
- impo.tency problems
- benign prostatic hyperplasia
- headaches/ migraines
- digestive disorders
- Chron's disease
- frequent urination
- alleviates varicose veins
For more information about Maya Abdominal Massage reference the following books:
"Touching the Core: The Art and Intelligence of Maya Abdominal Massage" by Diane McDonald
"Rainforest Home Remedies: The Maya Way to Heal Your Body and Replenish Your Soul" by Dr. Rosita Arvigo
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I cannot help but think of all those out there who will avoid the topic of Mother's Day or feel like crawling in a hole because they have to attend a gathering or BBQ. The holiday is a very painful reminder of what infertiles want so badly. There is a special day set aside for mother's and it is one more thing that makes them feel left out.
I used to hate it when random people would say to me," Happy Mother's Day." One year I had to do an open house on Mother's Day. I was so angry that I had to be there because if I was a mom the way I had been hoping to be for so many years, I could have said, "Sorry, it's mother's day and I will be spending time with my family."
When I got there, the client wished me a happy mother's day and my heart sank. I couldn't muster a thank you. What the heck for? You shouldn't send well wishes for a holiday that may not pertain to everyone. You can say happy Memorial Day because that is a national holiday that we can all recognize. But I was mad that because I was a woman that I am expected to be a mom.
I will never forget the pain I felt when being reminded once again that motherhood may be unattainable for me. Mother's Day is a soul smasher for sure. I am thinking of all of you. And, even though I have Min man and may receive another lilac bush tomorrow, I still grieve over many things due to infertility. It has been a process that leaves an impression on my heart whether it is for myself or the countless men and women out there struggling with infertility.
Monday, May 3, 2010
This may seem very trivial, but when I notice these moments, a smile automatically comes to my face. We are finally getting around to re-doing our downstairs bathroom after nearly 2 years of living in the house. A new light was installed and now I am prepping the walls to paint. (I should do a before and after photo). We are not going overboard on this project because we actually plan on opening up the back of the house for an addition; yeah, we're playing the lottery weekly.
Anyway, I had to go buy a new towel bar, switch plate cover, towels, and shower curtain. When I was in the bathroom-stuff aisle I noticed the kiddie bathroom supplies such as train toothbrush holders and goofy rugs. As Min man gets older he becomes more independent so I thought it would be nice to give him a little space of his own. I bought a cute monkey toothbrush holder and tumbler just for him. He has his own bathroom to brush his teeth.
These ordinary purchases and decisions sometimes alert my brain to a time when I would have given anything to purchase silly bathroom paraphernalia. I remember walking through many aisles in many stores where so many tangible items were ready to be purchased but simply scoffed at me.
Now as the days pass and different milestones come and go I remain grateful when Min man needs new sneakers and little big-man undershirts like daddy. I try not to spoil Min man. But it also felt good to see a Buzz.Lightyear action figure on clearance and throw it in the cart. He just found this movie and absolutely loves it. Nothing pleases me more than when he says,"Mom, to 'finity and 'yond."