Tomorrow may be a very painful day for many. I still feel weird about the whole Mother's Day thing. My son is too young to understand what we are celebrating. I am his mom every day. Tomorrow does not make things any different. This is my third year as a mother. The first year Min man wasn't home from Korea yet. He was supposed to be home in March and when May came and went, it was hard. My husband gave me a lilac bush and it was nice but I did not feel like I should have been part of the celebration.
I cannot help but think of all those out there who will avoid the topic of Mother's Day or feel like crawling in a hole because they have to attend a gathering or BBQ. The holiday is a very painful reminder of what infertiles want so badly. There is a special day set aside for mother's and it is one more thing that makes them feel left out.
I used to hate it when random people would say to me," Happy Mother's Day." One year I had to do an open house on Mother's Day. I was so angry that I had to be there because if I was a mom the way I had been hoping to be for so many years, I could have said, "Sorry, it's mother's day and I will be spending time with my family."
When I got there, the client wished me a happy mother's day and my heart sank. I couldn't muster a thank you. What the heck for? You shouldn't send well wishes for a holiday that may not pertain to everyone. You can say happy Memorial Day because that is a national holiday that we can all recognize. But I was mad that because I was a woman that I am expected to be a mom.
I will never forget the pain I felt when being reminded once again that motherhood may be unattainable for me. Mother's Day is a soul smasher for sure. I am thinking of all of you. And, even though I have Min man and may receive another lilac bush tomorrow, I still grieve over many things due to infertility. It has been a process that leaves an impression on my heart whether it is for myself or the countless men and women out there struggling with infertility.