Monday, June 28, 2010

Perfect Moment Monday - Let's Go To The Movies

I Capture Perfect Moments.

For more Perfect Moments please visit Weebles Wobblog.

Saturday night we took Min man to see Toy. Story. He is 3 and very active so I was a little nervous about his ability to stay seated for that long. What a complete joy to see him with his 3D glasses on, a bag a popcorn all for him, and his little legs barely reaching the edge of the chair.
He did fabulous.

He is at such a wonderful age. I cherish every day. I look at him in awe. He makes me laugh constantly.

Some of my favorites:
1) Jumping on my bed and when landing he says," 1-2-3- tomato sauce"
2) Starting to pretend and play using his imagination
3) Telling me how to drive "Red means stop and green means go, Mom"
4) Instead of "I don't like" he says," I can't like peppers."
5) His knock-knock joke:
" Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Right here" (and raises his arm)

Oh, I could go on and on...

Monday, June 21, 2010

ICLW June- Speed Dating IV

Hello everyone. Thanks for visiting. I am an adoptive mom to a 3 year old, struggled to conceive through ART for four years, and founded a non profit. Please take a look around.

The following post describes one of my IF experiences:
A Pinker Shade of Pale

You can read more on the ride side bar under PFM Best Posts.

Here is a brief Q&A to get to know me better.

Q: Favorite food
A: Bagels and cream cheese

Q: Favorite place to visit
A: My cottage in the Thousand Islands

Q: What kind of car do you drive?
A: Honda C.R-V - sporty yet practical for the wintry Rochester weather

Q: Favorite season
A: Fall

Q: Chore you like doing least?
A: Putting away laundry

Q: What's on your playlist right now?
A: "Reflecting Light" Sam Philips - "My Good Gal" OCMS - "Nightingale" Norah Jones - "No Other Love" Chuck Prophet

Q: Why did you start blogging?
A: I began blogging to log our adoption journey and to speak about the perils of infertility. I created this blog after founding the non-profit as a way to connect with others, tell my story, and help educate on IF and adoption as well as miscarriage, stillbirth and surrogacy to name a few

Q: What's your middle name?
A: Catherine- I share it with my paternal grandmother and 2 other cousins

Q: What type of adoption did you do?
A: We adopted internationally from S. Korea. Our son was 15 months when he came home.

Q: Fears/ phobias?
A: I don't mind bugs or spiders. I don't mind heights. Swimming in the ocean scares me. I despise stuffed animal heads. Weird, I know.

Q: Biggest goal for the short term?
A: Finish my book! It has been a three year project

Q: Biggest goal for the long term?
A: Be a great mom and make my child feel loved and accepted.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Photo Friday

I am so glad I am off work today 'cause I finally remembered to partake in
Photo Friday hosted by Creating Motherhood.

Me and my dad in 1979.

Sitting on the back patio with the blooming rhodendendrum (spelling please?). My parents still live in this house. I go there almost every day. There are so many wonderful memories. Many people in my life call me Eri. My dad has always called me Eri. Well, my nickname was "Squirt" until about age 9 when I had a talk with him and said it was about time to let that one go! I never felt like a "daddy's little girl" because my father always taught me to be independent, mow the lawn, fix things myself. But when I see this picture and look at his face I know I was his special baby girl.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Glass Half Full

I had a bad day. Thanks for all the kind words yesterday.

What infertility has given me:

1) My son

2) The knowledge that millions of my fellow Americans suffer from this disease/condition and need help getting through it

3) My love of writing back

4) Many new friends

5) A greater appreciation for life

6) A greater appreciate for the creation of life and the miraculous nature of giving birth to a healthy and happy baby

7) A not for profit venture

8) New career goals

9) My book (Still a work in progress. But I finally discovered a good title.)

10) A little boy calling me "mom"

11) Empathy

12) Strength

13) Coping skills

14) Sidewalk chalk and a kiddie pool in my back yard

15) The gift of adoption and a better understanding of what adoption means for all parties involved

16) a 3 year old who hugs me and tells me not to cry and it will be alright

Monday, June 7, 2010

Recycled Packaging

I am all for saving the environment. I love the song, "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" by Johnson. Min man knows when to put things in our recycle bin, and I always make a point to bring my reusable shopping bags to the store.

What I don't like is the fact I am now experiencing a bit of deja vu in the form of old emotions drying up my existence. These are emotions that have run through me, run over me, and run my life. Is it possible to feel the same amount of pain due to infertility all over again? Better still, is it possible to feel a more intense pain? I didn't think so. But after feeling quite shitty for a few weeks, the emotions spilled over in the past few days and my mood has plummeted.

Sadness, feeling helpless due to my inability to conceive, grieving over not having the number of children I long for, never experiencing pregnancy to term, and not being able to give Min man a sibling. Seeing pregnant women, families with more than one child, women walking their babies together in strollers, posts on, pregnancy and birth announcements are all tough again. I wonder if I have simply been suppressing my inner desire to scoff at all of these things and now I am burnt out. At this time I may not be able to hide the fact that I am bitter.

My analytical side wants an answer. If I figure out a reason for this overwhelming sadness, maybe it will go away.

In part I feel alone in my sadness again. I find it hard to tell anyone how bad I still feel about infertility when I have such a beautiful son. I meant every word when I said I would never change one thing about the four years of trying to conceive because it led us to adopting Min man. I'm really not sure people will understand why I am still grieving. I also feel uncomfortable talking to most women because I don't want to make them feel bad. By this point most people I know have two children if not more. I do not want to put them in an awkward position. And I certainly do not want pity.

Putting away Min man's high chair, changing table, onesies, and cutesy clothes from last summer has been very difficult because I cannot help but wonder, will I ever need to use these things again? How long should we hang on to these baby items before we know there will be no other babies in this house? My heart hurts. All over again my heart hurts so badly that the tears well in my eyes several times a day.

I thought I had this figured out. I became a mom through adoption. I love our family. I started a non-profit to channel my energies and experience in order to help others. I lived by the mantra that everything works out the way it is supposed to. Why has that mentality slipped?

I don't want all of these emotions back and being reused and recycled. How about reduce- REDUCE.

I just want to know why I cannot have a baby. Why?

Is it really never going to happen for me? Will I be 50 and still feeling sad I never was able to experience pregnancy? I will never have that connection with my child, feel my body change, anticipate the birth and be with my baby the instant they breath? Will I always have to avoid conversations about labor, breast feeding, and cute maternity clothes?

Lately I cannot fathom how we would have a second child. Nearly 3 years into our international adoption we are still waiting for INS clearance for Min man to go across the border (gov't red tape that cost us another $400). Coming up with a plan to do any adoption seems extremely daunting and the cost would put off many plans we have for our house. That's a great choice- brand new kitchen or child? Why do we have to make these decisions? Domestic adoption is wonderful but would be brand new to us. Anything brand new is scary and we have been through so much. ART? Ugh. The time, money, emotional roller coaster- none are appealing and there is not a strong enough pull mentally to move forward with medical assistance on a pro/con list. I feel stuck. Options, yes. But not the options I really want.
2 more babies and yes, maybe even a mini-van. New baby wearing Min-man's hand-me-down jammies and socks. New baby riding on his beloved bus that now sits in the attic. New baby...

I feel very empty when I hear names that would be great for another child. I am a big name person. When I was younger writing my stories, I toiled over the character's names. A name makes a person. I have several names tucked away for a boy or girl. They have been on my mind for seven years. Every once in a while I would think of something new and reorganize the list. Trying not to hold on to the names any longer, I find myself with a pang of solace when I hear a great name for a future child. Why torture myself further? I tell people my names now. Maybe they can use them.

Because of what I am trying to do for others I should be in a better position mentally. Maybe I am wrong about that. I know that part of why PFM has helped many people is because of my ability to understand and relate or at the very least empathize. I hope it is not a disappointment that I too struggle almost daily with infertility and how it has changed me. I hope that people who look to me for hope do not want to close out of my blog and never return. Who needs one more reminder that this sucks?

I wonder if this rekindling of feelings is a form of shell shock. There has been several years to reflect on the devastation of our experience. Emotions and thoughts I could not bear to feel may now be surfacing. There is only so much disappointment and anguish one person can take. Last night it occurred to me that I have created life with my husband. Yes, they were only a few days old but they existed. They could have been a real live baby. We have six lost embryos that lived for days, a week?, and in one case, seven weeks in my body until we had to terminate the pregnancy.

Not thinking clearly acting all on emotion I frantically searched through boxes in our attic to find the picture of our embryos. I could hardly see I was crying so hard. I knew I had saved one of the pictures. After rummaging through several of my memory boxes there they were. The 3 beautiful embryos we created on our first official IVF cycle dated June 2006. I was so relieved that I did not throw the picture away out of sadness and anger. Because in that picture is the embryo that I carried for seven weeks. My only official pregnancy. Perhaps the only time I will ever be able to feel my abdomen and whisper the words, "I'm pregnant."

Grief does not cease. It is an emotion that resides under the skin, at the nape of the neck, and within the heart. Knowing I have to learn to live with this grief seems impossible at times. I want peace with this portion of my life. Peace in understanding the big picture.


Related Posts with Thumbnails