Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I Got the Chance to See

When my very good friend told me she was pregnant a little less than a year ago, I didn't feel that familiar pang of dread in my heart. For the first time in 8 years a pregnancy announcement had little effect on me except that I was happy.

We were expecting Wee to come home and it was nice knowing that my friend was also expecting a baby. We could wait together. Something I have been unable to do with my friends.

I embraced her pregnancy asking a lot of questions about her health and what the doctor was saying at her appointments. When she was about five months pregnant we were all sitting in my back yard. The sun was going down and the evening was coming to a close. Without thinking I reached out to touch her belly. I had never touched a pregnant belly. But at that moment in time I had an urge to feel the baby. For once it felt okay that even though I had never experienced pregnancy myself, I could experience it through someone I love.

I started to cry at my break through. My wall of pain was coming down a little and it felt good. It was then that my friend asked if I would like to accompany them to their ultrasound the following week. This was the milestone ultrasound where they could find out the sex of the baby if they wanted.

I wept a little and proclaimed that I had never been to an ultrasound. And that it would be nice to experience that at least once in my life. It would be hard for me to be there, but I agreed to go. What a great opportunity for me to share with such good friends.

When the ultrasound tech started moving over the belly I was watched in awe. I purposely stood in the corner away from the father-to-be and his mother because my emotions were all over the place. The tech pointed out the baby's position, the head, rib cage, heart, hands. Tears poured down my cheeks viewing this little miracle.

I cried for myself, my lost baby, the fact that my husband would never be in a moment like this we me carrying his baby. I cried for all that I had lost over the past 8 years.

I also cried because I was witnessing such a beautiful part of life. The ability to conceive and give birth to brand new humans. My two babies did not grow in my belly but they are alive and healthy because of someone else. Amazing.

Prior to the appointment my friends hadn't agreed as to whether they were going to find out the sex. When the technician got to that point and asked the poignant question, do you want to know? The father, my friend of 15 years could not contain himself and said, yes!

A girl.

I yelped with excitement and had immediate visions of pink clothes and purple booties. Oh, and all the beautiful names she could have. It was a brilliant moment. I am truly lucky to have been invited to such a private and memorable time in my friends lives together.

Leaving my friends after everything was done a small part of me felt less heavy. I also felt like for once I knew something about pregnancy. My clueless nature of everything after the birds and the bees was etched away a teeny bit. I still know next to nothing about pregnancy, birthing, and infants because that is not a part of my life. But I felt like I was a part of the club- finally.

The remaining months of the pregnancy were exciting. I was so thrilled to meet her. I constantly thought about the baby and hoped upon hope that she would be healthy when she greeted the world.

And, when she was born I breathed a little deeper. Our girl had arrived.


Kristin said...

I am so very glad you got a chance to experience those moments and that just a little bit of the pain you have carried around was eased.

Michaela said...

What an amazing experience! I pray I can't get to the point where I can embrace like you did!

Leigh said...

What a beautiful post. And congrats on your sweet little family of four.


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