Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My Crescent Moon


 I am linking up with Keiko from the Infertility Voice and Pamela from Silent Sorority to participate in their Open Salon, "To Mom or Not to Mom." They created this to discuss both sides of the motherhood debate from their unique perspectives. Why? To parse out the concerns and vulnerabilities of transition within the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) community without tripping over political correctness and delicate sensibilities.

Head over to each of their blogs to read some very interesting points of view. 

Below is my contribution to the project.

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I sit here staring at my computer screen because I don't know exactly what to write. I have on pajamas and a thick pair of socks I took from my dad the last time we were at our cottage. It's just after 9PM and I am exhausted. Each day is so full. Raising two young boys sucks the life out of me. I really don't feel like I can ever fit it all in. And there are days when I look around at my house and feel like it oozes filth.

But tonight the vacuuming will have to wait. The clothes will remain in the laundry basket. I need to formulate this post; I have been waiting a long time.

I look down at my belly and it is protruding all of a sudden. I am 17 weeks pregnant and still cannot believe that this is really happening to me- to us. I have known about the pregnancy for 13 weeks, and it is just beginning to seem real. I can finally say the words and not feel like I am speaking of someone else. But often it still feels like an outer-body experience. I have accepted that this is my truth, but my fragile heart and mind teeter on the edge of disbelief.

After 8 1/2 years of battling infertility, I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I will never forget that morning. I called AJ right away and through massive sobs told him the news. I was in my office at work; no one else was there. I called my RE's office and basically shouted in the phone, I'm pregnant!
The secretary put my doctor on the phone. When I heard his kind voice with an accent proclaim, "Oh, Erica, this is such wonderful news," I realized that was just one of some many things I waited over 8 years to experience. Even though I love my second RE (who was my doctor for the majority of my TTC journey), I was never able to experience anything good at their practice. It was all sad and complicated and extremely difficult.

Yesterday at a routine doctor visit, I heard the baby's heart beat for the first time in a month. Immediately after the Doppler touched my abdomen, there it was- strong and loud. Such a pure sound. I haven't cried much since the first week of finding out. But when I hear that sound or see baby on the ultrasound screen, I tear up. S/he's in there growing and thriving. The heart beat is strong. I can already tell s/he is a fighter. Almost like he knows what mommy and daddy have been through.

My OB (having an OB is a triumph in and of itself) said to me," That must be such a great sound after all you have been through."

He has no idea.

We waited until the end of the first trimester to tell people besides our immediate family. And I have waited until this point to write about my pregnancy for several different reasons. I understand completely that my news may be painful for others. I know all too well the bitter sweet tug at the heart upon hearing pregnancy announcements. And the ironic part for me over the past few years is that the pregnancies of women who didn't ever think they would get pregnant were harder for me to deal with. I just kept thinking if a miracle happened for them, why not me? I just could not let go my vision of a pregnancy. For some reason even after Wee came home and we were all so happy, I did not feel like I was done yet. I knew I wouldn't adopt again, but I strongly felt that I would have another child. I just didn't know how.

I haven't been able to write about my pregnancy because I didn't know what to say. We are extremely grateful for this opportunity, but I never imagined I would feel such a vast array of emotions. I spent so much time thinking about getting pregnant, I never had the chance to learn about or understand the actual pregnancy.

One of my first mental challenges was a looming question. Where do I fit in now? I won't be just an adoptive mom because I will have a biological child. I have the awesome opportunity to be an adoptive mother which sets me apart from those who are not adoptive parents. And no matter what the circumstances I will never have the innocence of most during their first pregnancy.  I am pregnant and will get to experience everything that goes with it, but that is where the similarities end. 

I felt somewhat lost and hoped that my place in this community was still in tact. I realize my story may end up differently than I ever imagined, but there will always be one thing that links me to everyone who has experienced infertility. I know and appreciate the toll that infertility can take on a human being. Despite my end result, I will always be infertile. I will never forget having to ask myself what I will do with my life if motherhood isn't part of it. Infertility does not define me, but it is part me forever like my green eyes and silly sense of humor.

 I feel the weight of my 8 1/2 years of IF. But I am trying very hard to live in the moment. No matter what this is my only pregnancy to cherish.Slowly I have come to understand that my realization of a dream can offer hope to others. I have so much perspective to share. And those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time know that I am honest about my feelings. The realities of infertility are too hard to ignore. Over the past few months I have thought of several different posts to write- lessons I am learning now that I am on the "other side." I am working toward gaining even more compassion and will take this chance I have been given to continue working to help others become parents.
In the past few days my stomach has "popped" as they say. Walking by a mirror or window and catching a glimpse of my protruding belly will never occur without a double take. I have to show my brain that my eyes are not playing tricks on me.

Not too long ago I wrote a post about my slim chance of conceiving. I had a Crescent Moon Size Chance of getting pregnant naturally. And I as I wrote then, I guess that was all I needed. Maybe it is all you need as well.



24 comments:

Pamela said...

Teeing off your blog post title ... I am OVER the moon happy for you!!!

luna said...

so very thrilled for you, erica. truly, amazing news!

I suppose we are both urban legends now, strange as it is. I look forward to following this next part of your amazing journey.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I get to be the first to congratulate you! This is such happy news as were your other children -- congratulations :-)

Keiko said...

Erica... how beautiful. Mazel tov. The moon has been a continuing source of inspiration for me in my very newish entry into the world of pregnancy. I'm so honored that this salon has given you the outlet to share your joy. Wishing you a world of celebration and moment after moment of happiness :)

jhl said...

Just heard about this... CONGRATULATIONS! One day, one step at a time ... and remember to breathe. You will be held by so many in this community along your journey.

Lavender Luz said...

So very happy for you, and I love the belly shot you gave us :-)

I re-read your post from February and I can see even more what this last 13 weeks has meant to you.

Congratulations, my friend.

JW Moxie said...

I am crying over here. I am so, so overjoyed for you. My heart feels a hundred times lighter this evening having read your wonderful news, Erica!

(formerly SmartOneKym)

Heather said...

Holy cow Erica! Congratulations! I'm so excited and happy for you. :-))))

Parenthood for Me said...

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your support and kind words. I have missed you all.

Parenthood for Me said...

And, Heather, it was definitely a 'holy sh*t" moment!

Kristin said...

Oh Erica, I am sitting here with tears, HAPPY TEARS, streaming down my face. I am so thrilled for you.

Heather said...

I know the feeling. It very much is a holy sh*t moment! Wishing you a happy healthy 23 more weeks!

Nanny Adventures said...

Congrats again! I was crying while reading your post! It is such a great thing to happen to a great person who has been though so much! I am glad you have this opportunity to enjoy this pregnancy with the up most desire you have always had to endure this. I knew deep in my heart that this would happen for you and time was all it took. See you soon!

'Murgdan' said...

So happy for you! Congrats !

Lavender Luz said...

I just submitted this to L&F -- sorry I missed this week's!

Such great news.

Stacey said...

Erica! Wow! As a long-time follower of your blog I am so thrilled to read this news. I've enjoyed watching your family grow with your two precious sons and now a chance at pregnancy... it just brings tears to my eyes. Celebrating with you, friend, and wishing you all the best!

P.S. Love these lines:
"I will never forget having to ask myself what I will do with my life if motherhood isn't part of it. Infertility does not define me, but it is part me forever like my green eyes and silly sense of humor."
Amen. And I have green eyes, too. :)

tireegal68 said...

OMG! WOW!!!
This is such amazing news!!!!
Happy dance for you and the baby in your belly!

pepibebe said...

Congratulations! I'm here from LFCA and am very happy for your news! I look forward to following your journey of this pregnancy and reading back to hear about your other precious children.

AnotherDreamer said...

Wow, I totally missed this post.

Congratulations!

It is a really weird place to be in, neither fitting into one category or another.

Heather said...

Congratulations! Even if it was a crescent moon chance, it was enough. My pregnancy was also a miracle.

astral said...

Congratulations!! I am over the moon happy for you!!!

areyoukiddingme said...

Congratulations! What wonderful news...

Here from LFCA

Michaela said...

Amazing! God bless!!

Jess said...

Congratulations, this is amazing news!

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