Saturday, January 26, 2013

Is This Your First?

Since becoming pregnant I have had an internal struggle. I wanted to enjoy every moment of my long-awaited pregnancy, but I also did not want to ever forget everything I had been through to get there. Most importantly I wanted to be sensitive to all those who have struggled with infertility and who those are still in the trenches.

I have dealt with my fair share of unsurprising comments since revealing our news:

"That's what happens when you adopt."
"I knew it would happen eventually."
"I know so many people who got pregnant after adopting." (and they delve into names of people they know)

I understand that most people don't get it. These comments are untrue and quite insensitive. But people want to focus on the good news, not the bad. They don't want to rehash all that AJ and I went through and the days when we were telling people we didn't know if we would ever have kids.
These comments dismiss infertility and also suggest that adoption is a means to an end.

But, don't worry friends. When I hear these types of things, I make sure the commenter gets a dose of the difficult and sad truth about infertility.

Pregnancy does not happen for everyone- whether they adopt or not. The birth of a baby does not happen for everyone- despite getting pregnant multiple times. I make sure they hear from me that there are thousands and thousands of people who pregnancy will never happen for.

It doesn't always end up this way.

And every time I utter the words, my heart falls in my stomach because I feel the pain of infertility. I will never stop feeling the pain completely if not for myself but for everyone who has to go through it.

On the flip side, I have found one particular question from strangers quite difficult to answer.

There are several questions every pregnant woman hears repeatedly-

How are you feeling?
When is your due date?
Do you know if it's a boy or girl?

Is this your first?

I know what people mean. Do you have any other children? Are you a first-time mom?
But this is such a loaded question for me. Sometimes I pity the person that asks it- an innocent question posed to a stranger or acquaintance just to make conversation.  Uh, do you have a few hours?

I have found myself answering this question differently to different people, however.

"Is this your first?"

"No, my third."

Their reactions have prompted further conversation in some cases.

"Oh, so you've been down this road before! You're an expert on pregnancy."

(thinking to myself)  Well, no this is my first...

See? Confusing.

In some cases, I have proceeded to explain that I have two adopted boys and this pregnancy was not expected to happen. I am a mother but yes, this is my first pregnancy.

Several people have shown emotion when hearing my explanation- tears in their eyes. This has been particularly touching since they were complete strangers or casual acquaintances. It made me feel like they understood how special this baby is. These are the people who failed to come up with an insensitive comment. Thanks goodness for them!

But I have also had to put up with every one's expertise on making babies and how "that's usually the way." 

Once I started showing and it was obvious to the average person that I was expecting, it was nice to have the anonymity of being any old regular pregnant lady. But truthfully it has been difficult for me to sink into that role. When I am in public or I do get a casual question from someone, most of the time I slip by as though this baby happened the way I thought it would when I was 26 - easily. But I am different and I always will be. I have a life experience that has changed me and changed the way I look at pregnancy and parenting.

And even now when I look at myself, I am amazed. For everyone who has supported my husband and I, thank you. For everyone who has pulled for us during this close to 9 year saga, we are so grateful. And to everyone who has read my story and who visits this blog, I hope that you have found peace in your journey or will find peace with your path to parenthood.

I have 10 weeks left in this pregnancy. Baby is due to arrive in 68 days.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

2103 Gala and The Commitment to Excellence Award

It is the time of year to promote the Parenthood for Me Annual Gala. This is our biggest fundraiser of the year, and all of the net proceeds go toward funding our grants. The success of this event helps to determine the number of grants and the amount we can award to each recipient.

Parenthood for Me Annual Gala
Saturday, March 9, 2013
6:30 pm
Inn on Broadway
Rochester, NY

To purchase tickets, email

I am very excited to announce the recipient of our Commitment to Excellence Award for 2013.
The CEA is awarded to an individual who is dedicated to supporting the Adoption, Loss & Infertility community.

PFM is awarding this year's award to Lori Holden - adoptive mother, author and educator on open adoption. We are also proud to have her as our Keynote Speaker. Open adoption is undoubtedly one of the most misunderstood and difficult parts of adoption for the general public to understand. Her work is extremely important and highly regarded in the adoption community.

Lori writes regularly at about parenting and living mindfully. Her book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole, is available for pre-order on Amazon. She has written for Adoptive Families magazine, Parenting magazine and for BlogHer and, a Denver Post site. On Twitter she's @LavLuz and you can also find her on Facebook. She practices her Both/And technique with dark chocolate and red wine (though not at the same time).

We invite you to attend the gala and hear Lori share her extensive knowledge and experience with open adoption. Here are some highlights of the helpful information that Lori will share in her keynote address at the gala.

What is the biggest concern adopting parents have about open adoption?
While researching and writing my book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption, I heard from people from all corners of adoption (adoptive parents, first parents, adult adoptees). The concern most often expressed by adopting parents is that they'll never be considered the "real" parent. Sometimes that subconscious fear is so powerful and pervasive that it prompts adoptive parents to want to put as much distance as possible between their newly-formed family and the spare parent out there who is just waiting to swoop in and take over (the latter part is largely a myth, by the way). This fear is at the root of many of the dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors  in adoption relationships. But though simple awareness of that fear, it can be examined and resolved in a mindful and functional way.

Parenting in Duality 

Such fear can lead parents to resort to Either/Or thinking, It's very dualistic, starkly black and white, pitting a winner against a loser. Either WE are the "real" parents or THEY are. Either WE can legitimately claim the child or THEY can. In the old days of closed adoption, the child could barely even wonder about her other parents without igniting feelings of betrayal in her own heart. Those feelings of torn loyalty can, figuratively, split the child in two.

Remember that Solomon tale? When two women came to his court claiming the same baby, the wise king knew how to tease out the "real" mother. His solution was to order a sword brought forth to split the baby in half, thereby guaranteeing that both claimants got her share. The "real" mother was the one to do whatever it took to keep the baby whole and well, even if it meant loss to her.

To help our children grow up whole, we must avoid splitting the baby with Either/Or thinking.

So what is the alternative? How do parents provide wholeness for the baby or child they adopted? How do they avoid splitting the baby?

It's simple: switch to Both/And thinking.

Moving toward Unity
Adoption creates a split between a child's biology and biography. Openness is an effective way to heal that split. That's the premise of the book I've written with my daughter's first mom. Your child's biology comes from one set of parents and her biography gets written by another set. The contributions from both sets are vital to her. All of her parents make her the person she is and who she will be. Both sets of parents have a claim on that child, and the child should have permission to claim both. Otherwise she feels split.

We are already familiar with and adept at Both/And thinking. We know that parents are capable of loving multiple children -- of course they are! Why not allow – encourage -- children to do the same with multiple parents? Does loving my son, Reed, take away anything from my daughter, Tessa? Of course not; that would be ridiculous. Likewise, enabling my children to love me for my contribution and their birth moms for their contributions takes away nothing from me. It only adds to them -- my children. Tessa and Reed get Both/And. And I'm not splitting my babies.

It's helpful to bring into the open any concerns that can lurk beneath the surface in the minds of adoptive parents. Even deeper than the fear that birth parents will reclaim the child is the fear that the adopting parents will never themselves feel legitimate due to a competing claim on the child. That's a fear that adopting parents can examine and resolve mindfully.

 Lori's trip to the annual gala in Rochester, NY is sponsored by Adoption STAR.

The annual gala is sponsored by CNY Fertility & Healing Arts.



Related Posts with Thumbnails